Do I Cry or Laugh?

I returned from class and plopped myself on my bed staring at the ceiling. I do that alot nowadays, my deep thoughts whilst driving has either landed me in trouble with other drivers or I end up taking the wrong route. Today was different, there were tears added to that journey. Its all starting again. Why am I feeling If everything is crashing down on me? My maid walks in as I was deep in thoughts with eyes glued to the ceiling. "Dont cry", she says. I could see the sadness in her face. She held my hand and patted my head. My trip to the priest was a disaster. I am beyond help and neither have I any clue how to help myself. "Manam purinthavanei manathil nineithirunthal eppadi thirumanam nadakum?", the priests blurts and stares at me. I looked at him and asked him what I should do? He repeated what he said and stares at me again. Then he says in Tamil, "I dont know how to say, and I dont know how you are going to say it." Well I had nothing to say, I love V and I dont want to marry anyone else. Everyone knew who he was talking about but surprisigly non said anything. For some reason, I cant hate him nor forget him, and neither have I any clue how to forget him.

I have moved on yes, but I am unable to move him away. I havent spoken to him, and my smses go unanswered, but he is still in every nerve of mine. I cry, but sometimes I dunt know why I am crying. Its the pain I suppose, the pain of wanting someone so much and not be able to be with him. Another shocking news is my PR, apparently there are errors in my application. I havent heard from immigration and I have no clue as to what is happening. Sometimes I wonder if quitting was a mistake I did. I worte 2 emails to V giving him accounts of what happened with the priest, but I deleted both. Why would he care anyway. He doesnt need to know. At least let him be happy.

He has gone to Sydney for a reason, he already has someone there. If not why would he stop me from following him to Syd for the interview saying that his sister's friends are pickig him up? Why did he get defensive when I asked him if he had stayed over in a female friend's place? Why did he have to hide from me that his 'friend' was picking him from the hotel and dropping him off at Sundar's place? I know I am stupid to hang on to a man who obviously desires someone else, but I cant seem to rationalise with my heart to let him go. So I have decided to live with it and be the way I am. Why V? WHY are you torturing me like this? I cant take my dad's worries and my mom's cries. Maybe disappearing from everone would bring some peace into their lives :P