The last of 2011!

In a couple of hours this year will come to an end. On the whole a great one with new nieces and nephews, new job, new friends, reunions, AU PR and having to meet my love. But amidst all these one remains very close to my heart, the parting of my dearest uncle. I miss him dearly and always will.

New Year resolution is to be happy and enjoy life. 1 to love, 4 to flirt and 1 to travel with. No commitment, no pressure, no sorrows. 1 will remain close to my heart and the only one I will ever consider having a commitment with, but thats 1 sided so chances remain slim. But Im happy and am determined to be happy as I embrace the new year.

Looking forward to more work, more travelling, more friends and maybe meeting my love this year again. Paty begins in 2 hrs, drink , eat and a countdown in Mediacorp and maybe more drinking after that. A different countdown as compared to the last 2 years in Bhajan. Im done with that, might as well enjoy life and be happy cos I may never live to see the next day ;P. Goodbye 2011 and hello 2012!

Have been having late nights the past few days, meeting the various groups of friends I have. I just love mexican food! Cant get enough of it lol. I havent done any work and even now Ive been sitting here since morning but havent done anything. Will be out in another 3 hrs. Finally completed my prayers which were long pending. Its as if the universe was helping, the weather was great on Wed alone and the rest of the days have been raining! Even the priest commented that it was meant to take place, as he was saying that he was able to get the young banana tree which was my 'husband' for the day, these trees are scarce and cost about $50. He said he was able to get it for free. If not he would have cancelled the ritual for the day. It was also an auspicious day on Wed for the rituals to be done, so everything just fell in place. The planets have moved and mine isnt very good either. V is out from his 7.5 yrs, everything is going to be good for him from now on. Ive done prayers for him on both days and I really hope he is very happy. Did I tell you I love this man? He never fails to make my heart skip a beat. He annoys me sometimes but I love and adore him very much. He sent me a link to download the 'power' book. Sweet right. I dont think I can love someone this much again, so there is no marriage for me as I will give my husband a hard time if I marry him w/o love lol. I dont think I can commit to anyone apart from V. He is special, and I know I'll do everything to keep him happy. But he doesnt want me in his life, so it shall be this way then.

Kumar's show was great, he was asking if I was tamil and wondering how I could be so fair, then he attributed the fact to fair and lovely lol. He is our local comedian, hilarious. Meeting my loosu friend today, its been almost 6 mths I think. Looking forward to meeting her later. Before that seeing the twins, they are popping by for abit. Kiddos from my house are out and its a lilttle boring. Didnt get up to the baby talk of Haresh today. Zumba for 1.5 hrs tomorrow morning and meeting my cousin for some german sausages and beer in the city. And the meetings start thereafter! Its gona be a work week next week with all the meeting and prepping for the start of the school term. Welcome 2012. It will definitely be a great year! Personal Goal: Be happy and live lie to the fullest!

Good Morning, wonder what Im doing up so early? Well I got up to watch the movie which is long overdue so that I can return it today. But I didnt start on it, S was online, it was afternoon for him, did a video call. He said I had lost weight and looking sexy hahah, crazy. One guy who tells me that he woudnt talk to me if I lose more weight, told ya he is crazy. But he is sweet, showed me pics of his dishes that he had raked up. They looked dam delicious! Told him I dont have to worry about my meals when I go over and visit him one day. We are not in a relationship or anything but I can tell that he likes me alot from the things that he says.

It was the release of N level results yesterday. The students did pretty well and the results overall have definitely improved. My principal had a chat with me asking how I find the school and if Im happy to be there. She said she is glad I came over to the school and she likes my work. Even though I was away from the system for 2 years and rejoined in a key position, in an unknown school, she said I have done very well despite all these factors. Thats nice to hear and now I have to keep up to the expectations. " Im very happy with your department, its is headed by 3 very powerful women", were her exact words. There are 3 of us but we take charge of the various subjects and levels. One for Lower Sec, One for Chemistry and the other Bio and Phy. We have our differences but our decisions pertaining to our dept is made together.

The WatsApp application is the the best creation. My group of friends are all on this. We download the App once (for a small charge) and after that the messages are all free. You get a buzz when there is a new message sent by someone in the group. My buzzer is off though, bcos it was just buzzing too much. Finally made arrangements to get the priest to do the prayers for me. One on Wed morning and the other on Thurs evening, and 48 days of prayers after that. 3 astrologers have told me that I am not pious. I am not actually, and Ive kind of stopped praying for the past year at least, dont ask me why. Dad has been bugging me to pray. Its his birthday tday, and he wants us to go to the temple and do prayers for him if at all we want to do smthing for him. Maybe I should...I can hear my nephews outside my door, Im going to join them and roll on the floor for abit....

Weekend

Its just 2 more weekends to the new year. Time flies! Its like an addiction with you, I have to tell you whatever I have done for the day and it kind of feels good when I 'talk' to u.

I think im putting on weight again :( grrr...had my apple cidar today. Guess what happened yesterday? I have been putting off work for sometime now, just do not feel like doing anything.So i thought I would keep Saturday to finish it off, then guess what happens. A call I receive, and off I went to Butter factory that night. I am never going there again. It was so crowded that I scraped my skin trying to get off that place. My skin is off a little on my arm, I had to literally push my way out, never have I ever taken like 20 minutes to exit a club! More social retards nowadays, they know you are waiting to get out, but they refuse to barge. The crowd was madness, music was very good but it was a very young crowd. We left and headed for some food, I can't belief we actually climbed over the barricades to crossover to the other side of the road! Well that was fun :P

Was late for class on Sunday because of the trains. The north bound services are still affected and trains are not running. Wonder when they will actually rectify the problem. The birthday party after that, it was really nice to see all my friends, did some planning for Christmas gathering and yeah the day ended with that.

Actually I feel very sad. I never heard from V since I left. Not even a call to sif he liked the shirt or if the fit was right.....

Its a sign

Ive always wanted to go into art and photography but have been too cooped up with work. Lately Ive been surrounded by people talking about cameras and photography. Ive decided to invest in a Canon 600D too. Its about SGD$1.5K. Should use the NCD next year to claim. Had a go with Suja's one, its cool, was modelling for her the other day. She just invested in one and is attending classes. Yeah I plan to invest in one too. It prob will come in handy when I go travelling at the end of the year.Fauzi does amazing shots, his shots in Tazzie were breathtaking! Bays of fire was magnificent. Should get a few tips from him before I venture on my own.

S was online, he is coming to S'pore at the end of Jan, is gona be here for 2 days to feast on his street food! One crazy guy who travels 24 hrs from US just to eat asian street food. He was nice to ask me what I wanted from India as he was going there to visit his family. The only weirdo who tells me not to lose weight lol. Told him more men should think like him hahah. Finally he has decided to accept someone into his life. All this while he was so agaisnt marriage, im glad he has changed his mind. Was asking if I met anyone in Sydney, told him I dont feel like committing to anyone and have no reason for deciding so. I cant tell him that V was the pushing factor to this decision.
"why are you nice to me", I asked him. "You have happy vibes." is his respond. Im glad I bring happiness to others, but Ive always wondered why is it that I am always a disease to V.

Told S to get me the pearl from Nigeria as Im asked to wear one on the left index finger for good luck. I should. He is coming back in Jan too for 3 weeks, so he said he'll get me one.

The people whom who have no connection to care about you, but the one person whom u wish had some concern over you decides to shun you from his life. This trip was definitely an eye opener for me. If you mean something to someone and if they want you in their life, they'll find their way, its that SIMPLE!

Good Saturday morning!

It almost 11am, its been a lazy Saturday this far! Was pondering what to wear for the birthday party tomorrow. The theme is Safari, I have a safari shirt dress in my pile somewhere, its between that and a snake print dress, but thats a little too dressy for a beach party. So i'll go with the beige shirt dress, but the problem is, it doesn't button at my boobs grrrrhhhh, I need to wear something else inside so that it can be left unbuttoned, kind of looks nice with my boobs showing actually :P. Ok lets see, should I go for the tiger print bikini halter top or my cheetah print gym sports bra? Since this is a family affair, I shall go with the latter as my boobs are gona be staring at someone with the former. Ok that topped up with my brown gladiators should suit the theme just fine. You see Im doing everything else but my work here! Therein lies another problem, I have to go for class before I go for the party, can you imagine your teacher conducting a class in a safari shirt dress, top half unbuttoned with leopard prints starring at you? Thats gona be my first class for the year, hmmm I have to make my first impression with these 13 year olds.

It is a nice day to sit at the balcony, have a bottled beer and read a book. For some reason V always seems surprised when I say Im heading to the gym or im reading. What does he take me for, a bimbotic slob? Ohh yeah I forgot, I dont fit into his upmarket, high society profile. His reactions drives me up the wall sometimes. Like the other time, I was close to walking off, but because he bought me the food and took time off his ever busy schedule to sit with me til I finished, I gave him some respect, stayed on and finished up the food. I had lost my appetite because of the way he reacted, raising his voice while trying to defend himself with his lies. The words he used on me the other day still ring in my ears, "you are the begger", "fuck off".....why did I put myself through this? Its Karma I suppose, Im still paying back, when will this misery ever end ehhh? God you there?

I should seriously look into buying a place of my own, now that im 35, Im eligible to buy under HDB. Should start looking. Contemplating buying a condo. Prices are up the wall for a chicken coop. First in the list is a car. Bro has asked me to wait til chinese new year to get one as the prices seem to be falling. The COE for a 1.5 litre car is 55k now and thats excluding the price of the car. This is nuts! The CEO of SMRT mentioned that the disruptions to trains the night before had caused a lot of chaos and inconvenience to the public! What was he f**** thinking? That we wouldn't have known otherwise?!? Bloody morons sitting up there....

Friday this Far

Was up at 7am even though I slept only at 4am. Nowadays I can sleep for very long, beats me why. A quick wash up and headed to the gym. "Where were you for the past month?" asked my trainer. I had no clue I can extend the membership if I was overseas, a little too late now, should have done it prior it seems. Did 3 rounds of the 15 stations today. Heart rate was at 25, dipped from the usual 26-27. Stood on the scale, loved what I saw. My weight has been fluctuating the entire year but it has been 7 kg off since Jan, the last 3 came off during the 3 week holiday in Sydney. I seem to be losing weight whenever I am overseas. I hardly eat, thats cos I replace it with something else. Had wheat biscuit with cheese and tuna for brekkie and 2 rice paper rolls for lunch, havent decided dinner yet. Cleared some work emails. Taxi prices are on the rise with the increase of the peak hour timing from 4.30pm to 12 mid night, how is 12 midnight a peak hr on a weekday still beats me! Bloody Singaporeans! Im surprised the government hasnt intervened....Break down of the trains services yesterday, one got stuck in the tunnel with the power off, and some clown broke the glass window for some ventilation, it was chaos in the stations last night. Roads were jammed, taxis were fully booked and people were frantic. I still have work to do but I aint doing it today. Im off to collect my stuff from my cousin and going to another cousin's place for some drinking session. Im already a little sleepy, I doubt I'll sustain the night today, they'll kill me if I dont! Note to self: Drive safely and dont sleep on the wheels. If you do ensure you meet with an accident and are dead, but make sure noone else is endangered.

Makeover for 2012

Thursday was good, stayed at home so that I can do some work but guess what I never did. Had a hair cut and colour, my hair is short now huhooo! Mom says it looks better on me, younger. Then off for a full face threading, hair is all prim and proper. Would have done a massage, but decided to head home instead to get some work done. But guess what again? Received an msn message from S in the US. "Where are you, I havent received any messages from you". Replied to that, and then S from Nigeria comes on skype. "Oooi pandi where have you been?" I thought i had told him I was heading to Sydney for 3 weeks, apparently I didnt, and it seems he had never done Australia and would have swung by if I had told him I was going to be there! Damn that was a waste, I would have had some company to head the clubs with. And so the conversation continued with us planning my next trip to Nigeria, Johannesburg, South Africa and Dubai. Im excited now, but thats in another 12 months hahah! Im finished with that and then tell myself ok, its almost 6pm and I SHOULD be starting on my work, my plan was to stay up all night and finish it up. Stay up all night I did, but i wasnt doing any work! At 6.20pm a beep on my handphone, "Advance Merry Christmas!", my reply "Hey how have you been?". The conversation continues with "Im great, just back from Perth, the weather is good for a beer, free for one?" I didnt even think a second, "Yeah, why not?" So off I went to Fabrika, a cosy rooftop bar on the 17th floor with an amazing view of the port! Good music, and nice wheat beer, a healthier choice he says lol. "Looking good, girl and you have lost so much of weight since the first time I saw you and you smell good as usual!" A regional business manager, travels quite abit and has been asking me to join him during his trips. Maybe I should one of these days to those destinations I havent been before. MArried with a kid but stay out everynight....and so our night lasted til 3.30am....

Things that Ive picked up from V in my last trip. "Enjoy Life, sometimes you just have to let go of the beliefs you have been holding on so tightly to." It does feel good at the end of the day to walk out without any commitments, there is absolutely no room for emotions and it definitely is exhilirating! Thanks V, maybe I am following your footsteps, the footprints you've left in me is making me rebel now. I dont care anymore!

Myself

Had a work review session with my vice principal this morning. Nice to hear that he loves working with me and he said that I value add to the department. My people skills and bubbly nature have definitely been an added advantage for me and I have integrated into the school culture well he said. He complimented the way I was firm with one of the staff in driving the message across when the need arose. Its nice to hear that people are attracted to my bubbly nature and have positive comments about my work. Leadership is about people after all and it nice to know I have the balance to drive the people Im working with. I thought I was losing my bubbly nature for a moment. This is the 2nd time in 2 weeks someone has mentioned about my bubbly nature. The other was a friend who lives in Sydney. Spent 2 days with her. Ive known her since my teenage days, she was my cousin's best friend. Apparently she saw my pics then and thought I was very pretty and still thinks so. She too said that I have a bubbly nature that compliments my looks. I did mention to her too that its really nice to hear that as I really thought that Ive lost that side of me with all that I have been going through lately. Reassurance does help sometimes especially when you've hit rock bottom.

Met Suja and Shyly for lunch and spent the evening with them. Food and laughter and a comment from Suja "Where were you all this while? I missed you man". Their first comment on seeing me today "You look good, What did you do?" Something has changed in the 3 weeks definitely. All those I met said Ive lost weight! Well with not eating I suppose I did. But today would have made up for the 3 weeks I suppose. Night was more food with my cousins. The 4 of us again, its been a long time since we all were together joking and laughing! I cant help but think of V at that moment.

I become this completely different person around him. Very quiet and I hardly speak. That is because of the way he makes me feel. He never has anything positive to say about me. Always putting me down for some reason and I become very conscious around him. Well of course he compares me with all the high profile friends and the high society lifestyle he leads now. Why would he want to have any kind of affiliation with me? I do not need his acceptance but I am just so bloody angry with the way he has treated me. I have also been a victim of his lies and defense snaps. He can lead his life the way he wants but he has no right to snap at me to hide his lies. He slept on else's couch he says, but he chooses not to come back home even when I am not around, then why make me feel bad by saying that he cleared his place FOR me? He made me feel like Im the most boring person on earth. Refuses to go anywhere with me nor do any activity with me. He is definitely seeing someone, that should explain the secret calls after his supposedly "time out" periods. To hide that damn lie he snapped at me. How is that fair to me?

What kind of a person doesnt thank someone when he receives a gift? If he was worried about the cost of making a call, then an email at least? I know I dunt mean a thing to him, but not to even give basic respect?!? I think I deserve more than this. I may not be rich like those he is seeing, but I definitely do need to be respected and treated well. He doesnt even reply to my smses but Im sure during that time he has many that he has to respond or talk to. Sometimes I wonder if he afraid that I will take the gal away from him. Why should I? When a man tells u he doesnt want you, you should just stay away. Somehow he knew my reply was to make him happy and I didnt mean what I said when he asked if I had a good time. Well he was just too busy for me and how would I have had a good time when he made me feel like Im some low grade person he doesnt want to associate with? And why ask me about Vidya? Why would I have udates about her?!? He has this perception of me in his head and that makes him react the way he does. Fuck it I dont givea shit anymore! He can go and fuck around with his high society babes!

Back to Reality

It has been a great 3 weeks. Good company, great places, less crowded than where I come from, well people are not standing back to back in the trains at least.

Have been feeling real lousy, I think its the reality of an ending holiday and going back to the damn place I come from and facing the people there. I know I dont fit in there. Terrible headache Ive got since the morning. Hot shower helped a little but its back again. have so much of work to do but I aint in the correct state to do them. The headache is killing me. Maybe I should just head to bed. I love this bed, I sleep like a baby, though I get up very early.

V came over to pass me something, he was nice enough to accompany me for dinner. But for some reason he always snaps at me even without hearing me out. Wonder why he hates me so much. Why did he think I was getting at him? He has so much of hatred towards me. I was merely going to tell him, since he answers phone calls outside his stipulated times, why not answer the private numbers too. Even before I could finish what I going to say, he snapped at me. He feels bad that he hasnt seen his son. Well I hope he gets to see him real soon.

Have ensured the house is clean, swept it today and did the dishes. Packed all my things. He can come back to a clean home now. Appreciate him allowing to stay but I also feel very bad that he was on a couch all these days. But still wonder why he treats me like a disease. He ha never understood me and he never will. he is always angry at me and it puzzles me why. Well maybe Its time I disappeared from him, like I said he wouldnt care and wouldnt even realise that ive gone missing. Why does he hate me so much? Havent I always been there whenever he needed me? Everytime I see him I just feel like giving him a big hug, I can fall in love with him over and over again. He never fails to make my heart sink just like the first time I saw him. I love this guy, I know I do and he means alot to me. But for some reason, Ive never meant anything to him and thats sad. I love you V and I always will. Note to self: throw the rubbish tomorrow.

Sunday Chatter

Have been sitting with my laptop since morning, but can't seem to be concentrating. Damn it wat's wrong with me?!? Havent been to the gym in 3 weeks, kind of miss it but Ive been walking quite abit to make up for the absence. The lady doing my pedicure said I had firm legs, must be from all the bench presses Ive been doing I suppose. I just love that machine.

Had an intense and insightful conversation with V the other night. Something Ive been pondering upon for a long time. Still dont agree with his thought manifestation and reality theory. Wanted to say that in my sms but refrained myself. This trip made me realise he doent actually care about me. he doesnt call to check on me, never once said he'll bring me for a nice meal somewhere, not even to some place over the weekend. He comes on and off to take his stuff and I get a glimpse of him, thats about it. I dont like his differentiated treatment. He doesnt answer calls from me but he returns calls to the girls as late as 9.30pm. But I dont understand why secretive though. Maybe thats one of the eggs he is sheltering and doesnt want to hurt. Now i understand why his calls to me have stopped. Its not that he isnt calling anyone as he claims but he just doesnt call me. Today he left very quickly, suppose he was having someone over. Im not needed anymore i guess. He has enough people to entertain him. Love is there for him still but Ive decided to disappear from him. He wouldnt care anyway, maybe wouldnt even realise that ive disappeared. I dont mean anything to him, so why bother. he seems to have time for the rest but me anyway, so Im going to let him be. Have a blessed life. Since I dont mean anything to you and you've made it quite apparent, I should just leave you alone.

A Joke Gone Wrong

Truth always hurts, it hurts even more when you lose someone forever because of what you unintentionally utter at the spur of the moment. I never knew I could be capable of hurting someone so deeply. Today I knew the truth of what caused him to move away from me. Something said could be a joke to one but not to the other, especially if you are the one on the receiving end. Im sorry, I really am. You are my world and you will always remain special to me even though I know that you'll never be mine again.

People say you have to be careful of what you wish for. Everynight I go to bed wishing never to wake up the next morning. But when the sun rises I am up too. You see what people say isnt true afterall. For once I really wish it comes true. Im done with life, I really am. Ive asked god to give me a break from my miseries, a permanent one. I dont think I have the guts to do what R did, pills dont work, Ive tried. You just feel sick after that, but you are still alive. Nothing seems to be going right for me. Its not love im talking about, its life itself. I dont see a purpose in life anymore. God please take me away.

Wake Up Girl!!!!!

What is wrong with me!!???!!! Argghhhhh..I have been feeling lifeless! Damn it! I have to get out of this depressed mode, its a damn long time to be depressed girl, get off it!! What happened to the swinging exciting single life I used to have? The many friends, parties and all the joy and laughter? I have been giving too much of my time to my job.

Note to self: Get back that life you once had, you need new single friends, get away from all those married ones and get yourself some new exciting ones pleeeassssseeeee! Remove people who do not care about you, get out there and have fun! Stop staying late at work, try not to bring work home (impossible), dont put off gym bcos of work, get a car ASAP, go for that 5km and 10 km marathon next year, learn tennis professionally.......

No More

The past few weeks have bee crazy, making me ask myself if this is really what I want. Health hasnt been very great too. Think Ive scared quite a number of them with my bad cough. My principal was taken aback, ran to take some water during the meeting. Yesterday I sounded like the patient when I visited my uncle in the hospital. It was a crazy 8hr meetings for the entire 5 days. It doesnt end there, starts tomorrow with staff taining and finance matters, staff retreat this weekend, management retreat next thurs and friday in Desaru, and off I go. I am truly looking forward to this holiday. Not that I have anything planned for this 3 weeks, its just gona be a lazying 3 weeks with some work done here and there. Have tons of things to settle before I go, like my accommodation for example. What happened to the earlier plans you may ask, ohh well, I knew I couldnt rely on him. How do you live in someone's place especially after he tells you that he does not want to live in the same house as you? Well Im not hard up that I should stay in his place. I dunt get it, if he can live with someone else why not with me right? All I asked for was company as I didnt want to come back to an empty house. I have already made it clear there is nothing else to this. I know where my emotions lie, maybe he is afraid that he may develop feelings, I do not know, but I know I am clear with mine, I have lost all feelings for everyone, no interest, no energy. Probably some lame reason he is giving.

Received a call from S, it was surprising as in the 4 years Ive known him, he has never called me before. So when I asked who it was, his response was, "You have forgotten me". This is one guy who is in love with Singapore food, travels from US to S'pore just to have some food! Can you beat that? Well he works with Delta, so I suppose he has free tickets to fly around. I would have gone to the US this Dec if not for my AU PR. Well that is next in my plan, and of course Nigeria is in the radar too. At least u know that u have reliable friends in these places who invite you to their country and also offer a place to stay and assure you that all your needs and safety will be taken care of. "Why do you worry when I am here." This statement is definitely very comforting, not that I need someone to take care of me, but at least it is comforting to know that there will be a pair of eyes watching over me. As opposed to someone who tells me, stay at my place but dont have any expectations on me.

Mind Chatter

Why are you angry with him after all these years some may ask. Well yes I am disappointed with him and hurt by the outcome of his behaviour, but let me assure that it has nothing to do with the fact that he may have possibly found someone. The disappointment is only at the fact that Im not treated like a human being who deserves due respect. Im aware that love cannot be forced, and being upfront with him about my feelings towards him is just my way of coping. For those who have fallen in love with someone and not have that love reciprocated will understand where Im coming from. Sometimes when you know the love you have over someone will not be reciprocated ever, telling it to the person concerned does help you cope with it, with no expectations. I told V about my feelings for him, and Im pretty sure he knows that I am strong enough to deal with his rejection. To him Ive always been the last priority, and he has never failed to hurt me bcos of some other woman. For example Im pretty sure he was waiting for Swapna's response to picck him up from the airport maybe, and when she decided to pick him up after work, he accepted my offer to accompany him and hand him over to my friends. My next question is, if he had someone there, then why ask me to ask my friends? Why ask me to help him look out for accommodation in North Sydney? His emotions are controlled by her/them and somehow I am the receiver of his negative outbursts. Like thetime he was deciding to come to Singapore, he disappeared for sometime, perhaps he was waiting for someone else to give him a response. It beats me why he was always the last to exit from the baggage area. Reporting to Swapna maybe? Lol. I dont mind being there for him, but the least he could have done is be truthful to me. I know he will definitely fall in love again (not to me), and he probably has. But WHY put up a front that there is no love for him again, and he is going through depression etc? All I can think of is that his disinterest in only directed at me and NOT in women in general. I was never good enough for him for some reason.

After R's death, I was looking for the movie 'Ghost', starring Demi Moore and Patrick Swaze. It was the first movie we went to. I was never able to get my hands on it for a long time. Recently a good friend of mine presented it to me for my birthday. Its been almost 5 years since his death, but he never fails to come in my dreams.

Met S with a couple of other friends over dinner. His wife was present, I had no clue she was going to be there. How was he able to do it?!? "Are you seeing anyone?" he blurts. "No" I reply. He accuses me of being very choosy with my men. Maybe I am. I dont fall in love easily and not many have sparked interest in me. Kal Ho Na Ho, was an amazing movie. Shah Rukh Khan rejects Priety Zinta's love even though he loves her. He did that as he was diagnosed with cancer and his time was limited. He will be the reason Priety would accept Saif Ali Khan, her best friend. Priety confided in Saif, not knowing he loves her. Preity would find out the reason Sharukh rejected her. Intense love between the two. I too want to have cancer, then my time too will be limited. I can do the craziest things and leave the world!

A fellow colleague told me "Forget about finding a man, a rendezvous is easier!" He is right, some how the interest Ive recieved this far happens to be by married one. Puts me off marriage altogether!

S was back from Nigeria. Bought me a pearl bracelet, raw unpolished ones. They aren't rounded like those commercial ones you find in department stores. Sweet of him to get me a gift from the land he went to seek new pastures. I always tease him with the girls there. Wonder how he works with the bums and the boobs staring at him, lol. Its the thought that counts. Someone you hardly know goes through the trouble of getting you a gift and calling the moment he touches down. have been doing lot of thinking, reflecting on my past. Health isnt that great, a letter from the hospital. Hmmm sometimes you ask yourself why you live, then another day you get up and tell yourself, you will embrace life with all your will. God please be with me.

Someone said he will send me an email, well I should say I was anticipating a possible cure. Sometimes I wonder why he does that. The sms probably wasnt meant for me in the first place. How stupid of me to belief and trust him?!? Why should I trust someone who time and again has lied to me and hurt me because of another woman? Im pretty sure his disappearance has got something to do my sms. He probably is shocked that I am going over to Syd after all his attempts to deter me. Im sure he didnt expect me to make this decision. I better book the tics and the hotel soon, the price is crazyyyyy!

An Inspiration

Steve Job's death is definitely a loss to the world, but his inventions will live forever. He had a vision when he was very young, a college dropout, found his passion and worked towards it. A vision that started in a garage is now worth billions of dollars. How many of us who have completed college, have actually found our passion and know exactly what we want? Bill gates and Albert Einstein were college dropouts too. Does that mean at a certain point education or rather going to school impedes your creativity? These people were just too smart for the system and were getting bored in school. While he was the brain behind the APPS and connecting the world, we cannot deny that it has given rise to some social issues. At least in the country I am in there is a rise in 'social retards'. People lack communication and definitely social skills.

He dropped out of school but he dropped in to do what interested him - Calligraphy, and ten years later it came in handy when he was designing Mac. As an educator I can never tell my students to quit school, that is never an option at least at where I am. But Ive always told them to never stop dreaming and aiming high. Its always nice to bump into your former students, receive a hug and know that they are doing well. The fruits of our labour may not be seen within the four or five years they are with us, but definitely in most cases its worth the wait, and to be thanked for playing a part in their lives.

Steve Job's words in one of his speeches is truly an inspiration: "When life hits you on the head with a brick, don't lose faith. You've got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking, dont settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it. And like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it, Don't settle".

Have I found what I love to do? Yes definitely! But I dont think this is the place to be doing what Im doing :P I shall keep looking :D

My Instincts Have Never Failed Me

Many say that women have very strong instincts. Ive also been told that I have the ability to forsee things. Lately this ability of mine has become very evident, especially with men I should say. Its just the feel of things and deep down you know something isnt very right. I was right about V. A girl was the reason he went to Sydney and specifically North Sydney he wanted. The call by this girl Swapna the day we landed in Sydney. Sometimes I feel I know him just too well, his gestures, his stories, and sometimes the way he thinks. Its a 'friend' he says, then why not tell me that she was picking him up that day? Wonder what he told her about me, probably said Im a stalker and Im suicidal and he was making sure I left the country or some shit story he must have come up with. I feel like a fool for helping him out and making all these arrangements and even following him to Sydney to settle him down. He could have asked that bitch to assist him right? Why make me do the shit work? You do good to someone and you end up being taken advantage of. His lies never end, what I do not understand is WHY LIE? And what irritates me most is the fact that he makes himself the victim. Depression he tells me! A whole load of bullshit is all I can say. Yeah maybe he is depressed cos whoever he went there for must have dumped him and it just a total bitch and giving him hell. Men love bitches dont they. Some men just dont have the balls to admit they have someone, I wonder why. If she was really JUST a friend, there wasnt a need to lie to me. That explains why he went to Sydney on his own the first time, it was definitely a lie that his sister's friends were picking him up in the airport. I knew it then, but sometimes you just want to keep mum about certain things. In the letter to my parents, he wrote we still care about each other. Why would anyone lie and continue hurting someone if they care about that person? Thats basic friendship, you just DO NOT hurt your friend. He is probably living with her and thats why he doesnt want me there. Nice stories ehh, I still cant forget the story about the Jimiki....LOL, he seriously thought I fell for it. Company is all I asked for and nice drama you put up there. Sometimes I really wonder if he thinks that he is god's gift to women! And I do not understand how a question asked can mean that I have EXPECTATIONS????? Jesus, someone please knock it into his head that all that is long gone. He can end up with whoever he wants, cos seriously I really think its his loss. Im never gona fall in love again, cos it seriously stinks! Some men just do not appreciate someone being there for them. They come to you when in need and walk away when the job is done. Its alright, at the end of the day I can still walk with my head up. All this while I thought you were down bcos of your wife and kid, but I guess it isnt that case. Im done with you, you can live your life, im not gona give a shit anymore. Why cant you just say you have someone? Why do you keep lieing to me and fish for sympathy? Some people just dont change do they? May you be blessed wherever you are, but please dont hurt someone else out there.....

What If

Sitting on my bed, I was pondering how to do it. The simplest way with no sweat. Many thoughts flashed by. Maybe a pin through my vien will do the job. When someone enters my room, i'll be seated on my bed still and cold. What will happen next I wondered, will they scream? cry? What will it be like? I agree I didnt have the guts to end it and neither do I have the zest to live it. Its just endless, the same bullshit over and over again. Ive lost my smile and my happiness. Then another thought, what if I do it on the day I was born? Sounds nice doesnt it? Its just 48 hrs away, not too long isnt it. Turning 35 in 2 days, hmmmm but I have nothing to look forward to, life has become mundane. Stress is what is causing it! Meeting my ex colleagues yesterday brought some smile to my face. Just like the good old times. I miss my fellow comrades. A couple of beers with my best buddy and two of his new colleagues from the PE department was a nice. Was introduced to his mates as his 'bro'. Dad reminds me that im not getting any younger, and that I need to find a partner. Told him I dont have the time nor the energy to look for one. Maybe Ive lost all interest. The phone rang for the longest time, "Ram" was calling, looked and ignored. An old school mate of mine calling for a meet. he is single he said and asked for my status. I didnt pick up, just didnt feel like it. Everyone was happy to see me yesterday. It was very warm and I miss this warmth in my new school. Most are nice, but the energy around seems very negative for now. Insomnia has set in, Im up at 2am writing this. Work is all I think of these days. Need a break, but Im lost. Well if I didnt have to go to australia, then I would had headed to US or even Nigeria, at least I know I'll be welcomed there. Good friends I have in these places. Funny how you meet someone on a matrimonial website and they become good friends. The past week Ive had dreams of V. Intense but strangely I dont remember details. I know he is hiding something from me. He wants me to let him be, havent I already done that a long time ago? COmpany is all Im asking, and he cant even grant that, wonder what goes in his head sometimes. Then a thought arised, how will he know if I die? Will he come and see me for the last time? Maybe not, why would he? Im noone to him anyway....

The Weekend

It was an awesome weekend away. A home which we call a resort, not very far but away from homeland. Terrific company, fun and laughter, booze, shopping and swimming. Sleepless night, hangover and the best part, NO WORK in the radar!

Being single has its up and downs. The ups do outweigh the downs anytime. I should not be complaining much actually, Life has been great, apart from the work and a man in my life. The one man as usual has his moods and has gona disappearing once again! Wats new? Sometimes I wonder why the lie to get me off his back, or is he just afraid to be in the place as me in fear of having or developing he feelings he may have for me...Hmmm I do wonder sometimes. Have not decided on the vacation location yet. Tickets are crazy but Aust it has t be for this year. Sydney seems to be out of the eqation, why should I go a place where there doesn not seem to be any welcome? Im not desperate and I shall keep my respect. I love and respect myself, so I shouldnt let some lieing prick hurt me more and more. What kind of a man does not appreciate someone loving him? How difficult it is to live in the same house and not have anything after you leave. I can do it, why cant you? Its all just bullshit to mask your lies! Im done with you and your crap. Live your life in whichever way you want, and i;ll live mine. There's no hope, no love and no dreams, live by the day it is for me :D

Speak Your Mind

As I stared at the words through the short message, I cant help but wonder

Why is it so difficult for him to say what is REALLY on his mind?

Why beat around the bush and sound like a self sacrificial lamb?

Why cant he understand my feelings and my point of view?

Will disappearing from me solve the problem or is it just a gesture to feel less guilty?

Why the rush to want me to settle down? Is it a real concern or just a gesture to feel less guilty of everything that happened? He doesnt want to be blamed, be it then.

Sometimes I wish I was told the truth. Dont sound concerned when the real reason is someone else. 5 shots of turqila, 5 glasses of Margarita, 5 Bourbon coke and the dance floor, that should do me some good :D

Pain

A conversation over lunch one day, "Which is worst? Physical pain or emotional pain?" Seriously im not too sure. But I can safely say that i havent been spared from either for a very long time. Sometimes I sit and wonder if there is light at the end of the tunnel, or is my karma so screwed that pain has become a part of my life. Sometimes I wonder if there is its worth in living. Lately thoughts of ending it has been crossing my mind just a little too often, but sad to say I dont have the guts to do what R did. Ive popped pills before, but I only felt sick and threw up after that, nothing close to death. Well how would you see death, when life has been taking a back seat for a god damn long time, its as good as being dead. Nothing excites me anymore. I bumped into DR this evening, been a long time, the very guy who dated my friend to get close to me. "Lets catch up", he says and departs. "yeah, I will", i muttered knowing very well, thats the last he will see me. "oi" from L, my ex, who is now happily married. The dating scene has taken a back seat, as im just not interested anymore. "I would like to see yu again", messages I receive from IK and M. "I'll let you know", is all I reply. My teeth has been acting up one by one. The pain has been excruciating. Last weekend was a sleep in. Since I work 7 days, i had to forgo my salary for that sat. I was $180 poorer, but i got to sleep for abit. The pain hasnt ceased. Going for classes has become a torture. I feel intoxicated because of the medication. Why is it that some people take love for granted? You offer somthing out of kindness and it comes back and bites you in the arse a little too sooner than you think. Im pretty sure, its a female who is responsible for his change of mind. I mean didnt he know that I have been having feelings towards him since 2007?!? "i dont want you to have feelings for me", was his response. Im reading it and going WTH?!? you drive me up the wall sometimes V! Didnt you know this when you decided to go via s'pore? Didnt you know this when u asked me to prepare for the accomodation? Just tell me that you have other plans instead of your little drama bullshit! You should have more guts to tell me the truth, instead of making it seems as if its all my fault. I am sick and tired of you putting me throough this emotional roller coaster to suit your bloody selfish, confused behaviour. Baba are you there? You keep telling me he is the one, but the one you are pointing to, seems to be looking elsewhere and hasnt stopped hurting me! SHow me you are there, I am tired of your games already, pls just give me a break please!!!

Is That It?

Why do some make the decisions they do? What is it in life that they cant deal with? If everyone was to the that decision, then what is life worth then? Just last week an old man had committed suicide, he has jumped from his flat. What would one do on receiving an abrupt message that her loved one was going to end it?

Looking back at what had transpired yesterday, It made me think if that was it? It was like DeJa Vu, and I am not very sure if I would even come out of this one if it ever happens. Even though deep down you wonder if you are being very complacent. Only he knows the reason for sending the sms. He claims to have sent to to 3 of them, probably all his ex-es. What was he thinking? Initially I interpreted it as he was leaving to another country, then I realised it was about ending his life instead. My frantic calls went unanswered as he was busy talking to his ex=es whom were reacting after receiving his sms. If you already have so many whom mean more than me, to u, then why bother sending the sms to me? After everything, he answered his hp, sounding slightly pissed this morning. Isnt it a natural thing to check on the person who has been comtemplating suicide? I did the mistake of ignoring once, and I took almost a year to get over R's death, not another one I was telling myself.

V probably already has someone on his mind, and his depression is most likely because of a woman. Then why lie to me that you are a maverick and thats what a Gemini is destined to be? I am tired of fighting and explaining my love to him. Well when he has so many whom would care for him, then what is the purpose of me even talking to him? Obiously he given them more priority then me....fine maybe iyts about time i disappeared, cos I dun think he will ever appreciate me

Dreams

You get up from a slumber and feel it so real, then you realise it was all a dream. There are some dreams you wish you never had and pray it will never manifest into something real in future, and there are of course some others that you wish would come true. It is strange how I have had dreams of V four times in 2 weeks. What seems stranger is that after the 3rd time, it was R who had a message for me, "I love you" is all he said. I have always associated V with R. It is after R passed on that I met V, 8 mths later. They were similar in many ways and these are the two men I have truly loved.

R's death gave me a closure after almost 14 years, that is how long I had known him. After 6 months of chasing, I finally said 'yes' to him. I was 16 then, and doing my O levels. Its is only during my tertiary education that we were more of a couple. My dad was a very strict man, so our meetings were always a hush hush. 3 years later I realised R was into drugs, but I was behind him, hoping he would change. He was sent to a drug rehabilitation centre by his sister. That is when my dad sent me off to Australia in the hope that our relationship would end there. We had our ways of keeping in touch with each other even though he was in a rehab centre. Then one day I sent him a letter asking for a break up. After my education I returned home, we met and kicked it off again. His drug problem never ended, and I used to receive calls from a particular girl, claiming to be his girlfriend. The turmoil ended after almost 8 years. For the next 5 years there was no news of R, then one day I received a call from his sister who gave me his contact number. Four months before this call, on New Years day, my brother had met R who was then a bouncer in the club. I was supposed to have been there with my brother, but had other plans. R had asked my brother how I was. In this 5 years of absence, someone had told him i was already married. We kicked it off again, we always had a soft spot for each other and I know R had always loved me. "I will agree in you marryig anyone else but R", my dad retorted angrily during an arguement. R was also very reluctant to meet dad too. Then one day i was trying frantically to reach R on his handphone. After trying throughout the night, at about 6am, a female answered his cell. "Hello, can I speak to R", I said. "Who is this?", asked me the puzzled voice. "Im his girlfriend, who is this on the line please?" "Im his girlfriend too", replied the shocked female, and I could here her crying. After an ugly incident, our relationship ended. R still kept in touch with me. I know he was having problems in his relationship and his drug problem surficed again. Nov 10th 2006, at 8.30pm, i received a call from R's sister that he had committed suicide.

July 16th 2007, the journey with V started. Little did I know he was just bringing me for a ride, but in the next 6 mths I had fallen in love with him, and todate I still do. He met my family and friends and that increased my hopes of ending up with him which I was looking forward to. It all ended in June 2008. Those times I visited V in Australia, we had a great time and he took good care of me. V got married in Oct 2009, and I knew of it the exact same way I had dream of. During this entire time, I still thought of V very much. Just as I was happy that he was married and moving on with my life, I was told that his marriage was on the rocks and he had walked out. He met me to ask for forgiveness, as a form of redemption to get his life on track. This he was doing to all he had hurt, so i wasnt anything special. In fact, I realised my mail was even shorter and impersonal as compared to those received by the rest. I was still very much in love with V and couldnt see him suffer. I decided to be there for him when he needed someone most, and as usual it was time for him to leave. We hardly keep in touch nowadays, except for the occasional email and smses. I am still hopeful that one day he will come back to me, so I let him be, but i think of him all the time.

So for the forth dream of V, which was just last night. I was in a bus leaving for somewhere and had this strong sense that I should get off the bus and go in search of V. I alighted and was crossing the road when V spotted me from the bus stop opposite. He ran towards me, gave me a hug and a kiss. His hand was around my shoulder and we were walking the streets. It is as if we were a couple. Then it happened....I turned around, it was a garden, there V was, in jeans and long sleeved shirt with his sleeves rolled up. He KNELT down, extended his hand and asked "Will you be mine". He didnt have a ring, but he had picked up a toy ring from the ground, It was huge, with four ruby lookalike stones held by a copper frame. I was elated, smiling from ear to ear, and feeling a little embarressed and suprised, I hugged him.

Will this ever happen? Well I am hoping it would. Well at least I have dream of it happening and the feeling was sure warm :P

Memories

The sound my handphone ringing woke me up. "You're still asleep?!? queried my cousin from the other line. The last I checked the time was 7.30am, gosh a good 3hrs had passed by since then, how did that happen? A quick shower and I was ready to meet her to watch 'Black Swan'. An intense movie about eliminating your inner fears. A takeaway from the movie "You are the hindrance to you dreams, let go". A ballet dancer fighting her inner fear to live her dreams. In the end she did it, she let go of herself and fought to be an excellent Swan Queen.

A trip to town, on the way an unexpected call, a job offer. This was the same job I rejected for an in house position. After the submission of my writing assignment im being counter offered for an in house position. As much as it sounds tempting, it doesnt do me any good in the long run. So, mind pondering, I headed for some retail theraphy and pampering. Gave myself a padi & mani. As I sat there with my fingers and toes being serviced, I noticed the lady wearing a heart shaped ring with the alphabet "V" on it. Instantaneously, my thoughts went out to V. I wonder how he is dng. I really miss him even though i think of him every minute. He should be having fun with his Sydney kutties for sure. We roamed this shopping complex a couple of years back. I remember I bought him a ring, which of course he doesnt have anymore. Somr places just brings back memories.

Do Men Like this exist at all?

A guy who;
Calls you beautiful instead of hot
Calls you back when you hang up on him
Will lie under the stars and listen to yout heartbeat
Will stay awake just to watch you sleep
Kisses you on the forehead
Shows you off to the world when you are in sweats
Holds your hands in front of his friends
Thinks that you are just as pretty without make up on
Constantly reminds you of how much he cares and how lucky he is to have you
Turns around to his friends and says "Thats Her".

I dedicate this to You

I Miss You

I miss you my dearest lameduck, I am so tempted to call you. I never get tired of thinking of you everyday, every second indeed!
I want to spend the next 1000 years with you, you are my happiness, you are my world, you are my EVERYTHING, will you ever understand? :-(

The 4 principles of Spirituality

"Whomsoever you encounter is the right one"

Everyone whom we have met this far is intended. Like what I mentioned to SV, we have met for a reason. What are the chances of meeting your homeboy, someone who has been in your neighbourhood for 20 over years and knows a quarter of your friends, through a matrimonial website?!? When we met, both of us did not ring a bell to each otherm though we had many common friends. We meet each other to improve a situation or learn somthing from each other. Listening to his story has put me in perspective and having gone through something similar I was able relate to him and offer him some of Baba's teachings. It was intended that I met him so that he could receive Baba's blessings. Its the same with V, it was intended that he received Baba's blessings at that point. What was the probability that I was in the same city as him at that point of his life? I was supposed to leave in Sept, but my stay was extended only because my friends offered me her place, and because of that I was able to be there for V when he needed me most. So can I say that was meant to happen?

"Whatever happened is the only thing that could have happened”
Everything we have experienced is exactly what it should have been. The journey I have taken this far has definitely made me a stronger and matured person. I realise how fortunate I have am as compared to others. Every single situation in life which we encounter is absolutely perfect, even when it defies our understanding and our ego. Each person met had a lesson to teach and each situation, a lesson learnt. I belief SL coming into my life was to wake me up from my denial state. Its still bizarre how it all happened and ended on a snap of the finger.

“Each moment in which something begins is the right moment”
Everything begins at exactly the right moment when we are ready for it. Maybe I am not ready for the change in location, well who but he knows best. The fact that V has allowed me into his life again is meant to happen. Dont ask me where it is intended to go from here, but I am glad it hapened at least.

"What is over, is over”
When something in our life ends, it helps our evolution. Not one single snowflake falls accidentally in the wrong place. Many journeys have ended and a few have just begun, some with the same players and some with different ones. Where this journey leads to is left to be seen. My journey is NSS is over, but the friendship made there will last a lifetime ;P

A Beautiful Soul

Its the second time in a week that someone has referred to me as "a beautiful soul". What makes their experience with me different from the rest I wonder. I remember sometime back I was told by an astrologer that I am like the moon, where it is a rare occasion to be disliked by someone. When I was away I was missed by many. Mails and comments of missing my presence kept me going I should say. I was known to be the gel that glued many together. Now that I am back, friends and family from there are missing my presence. My brother in law says its like the 'storm' has subsided, cos it used to be gatherings, drinking and BBQ during my stay, where my friends were also a part of it. In school days I remember being ostracized by my classmates because I mingled with students from the less academically inclined classes. But to date, I have made many friends from all walks of life, and frankly I have seen more humanity and compassion in these people as compared to those who have lives stacked with degrees and passports to many countries. Even the most educated and established, i have come across to be the most selfish and self centered, making me wonder what education had actually done to one.
I am a rebel in my own ways, I was also told by friends that I do not conform to the norms. Thats true, I play by my own rules and follow my heart, for that I have been said to be naive and stupid. Well my rule is simple: Love All & Serve All, I am not GOD to punish, I dont choose friends based on how they benefit me, and I dont care what others think of me. I do what is right and I stick by MY rules :P

What do I make out of this?!?

I was starring at an sms I received, very had trying to make sense of what the sender was driving at. That was one abrubt sms from someone I never thought I would hear from. I was clueless of what had prompted him to send it in the first place. First thought "what did I do this time". I got over the anger I initially felt and confuion set in. I have let him be in his new life, what else does he want? What does he know about hurt anyway and why would anyone curse someone they adore? This is total madness. I hate the shoes i am in right now. I dont have the freedom to cry nor stare blankly withought having to explain to someone what is running through my head. Just seconds ago my mom pops in and asks me what am I doing on the computer sitting in the dark. In my cousin's place I couldnt go by smsing withought subjecting myself to their sacarsms. I miss my Melbourne days where I could just shut myself in my room for days and cry my lungs out :P

My Getaway My gym

I love the concept of the new gym Ive enrolled in, its different from the rest I have joined this far. The circuit training is great as it works on cardio, strength and 8 major muscles. I go at least 4 times on weekdays, and it helps that its is located under by block. The trainers are always chatting with the members, but me being in my own world doesnt give them much room to communicate apart from the "hi" and "bye". I spend about an hour on each visit, and I love the fact that i perspire. I control my food as much as possible apart from weekends when my diet goes berserk as Im on the move. Other than that I maintain a no rice, wholemeal bread diet. Should cut down on my bread and noodles too :P. Im 2 kg down in 5 sessions in the past 2 weeks. Feel alot more firmer. 28kg more to shed..haiz..i'll reach there by the end of this year :P

Do I Cry or Laugh?

I returned from class and plopped myself on my bed staring at the ceiling. I do that alot nowadays, my deep thoughts whilst driving has either landed me in trouble with other drivers or I end up taking the wrong route. Today was different, there were tears added to that journey. Its all starting again. Why am I feeling If everything is crashing down on me? My maid walks in as I was deep in thoughts with eyes glued to the ceiling. "Dont cry", she says. I could see the sadness in her face. She held my hand and patted my head. My trip to the priest was a disaster. I am beyond help and neither have I any clue how to help myself. "Manam purinthavanei manathil nineithirunthal eppadi thirumanam nadakum?", the priests blurts and stares at me. I looked at him and asked him what I should do? He repeated what he said and stares at me again. Then he says in Tamil, "I dont know how to say, and I dont know how you are going to say it." Well I had nothing to say, I love V and I dont want to marry anyone else. Everyone knew who he was talking about but surprisigly non said anything. For some reason, I cant hate him nor forget him, and neither have I any clue how to forget him.

I have moved on yes, but I am unable to move him away. I havent spoken to him, and my smses go unanswered, but he is still in every nerve of mine. I cry, but sometimes I dunt know why I am crying. Its the pain I suppose, the pain of wanting someone so much and not be able to be with him. Another shocking news is my PR, apparently there are errors in my application. I havent heard from immigration and I have no clue as to what is happening. Sometimes I wonder if quitting was a mistake I did. I worte 2 emails to V giving him accounts of what happened with the priest, but I deleted both. Why would he care anyway. He doesnt need to know. At least let him be happy.

He has gone to Sydney for a reason, he already has someone there. If not why would he stop me from following him to Syd for the interview saying that his sister's friends are pickig him up? Why did he get defensive when I asked him if he had stayed over in a female friend's place? Why did he have to hide from me that his 'friend' was picking him from the hotel and dropping him off at Sundar's place? I know I am stupid to hang on to a man who obviously desires someone else, but I cant seem to rationalise with my heart to let him go. So I have decided to live with it and be the way I am. Why V? WHY are you torturing me like this? I cant take my dad's worries and my mom's cries. Maybe disappearing from everone would bring some peace into their lives :P

My First Interview

I applied for an editor's position in Science but was offered a Writer's position for Maths instead. I was a little apprehensive when I received the call, but was persuaded by the caller to attend the interview. This is something I have been wanting to do for a long time, something away from teaching but still associated with education.

Clad in my pint striped blue suit, black pointed heels and the beautiful pearl earrings gifted by V, I was ready to leave my home. Dad got me some holy ash, mom checked my attire, a good luck wish from my domestic helper, a hug by Lesh and off I went for the interview. Since its Singapore, I took a cab to Raffles place where the office was. These are the things I missed when I was away from home. I created a mess while choosing the outfit to wear for the interview, clothes ironed and hung in my room, food on the table, mess cleared by the time I get back home, and family around to share your sorrows and successes. Its definitely great to be back home.

I was there waiting for the interviewer to attend to me. The office was on the 29th floor, the most prestigious part of Singapore where the large offices and banks stand. Lawyers and businessmen clad in suits walking in and out of these buildings, it sure is a place to be. The Managing Editor entered the room. She explained to me that this post was offered to me as this is higher than an Editor's position that I had applied for. This company publishes text books for the International market, and my job as a writer is to produce the content for these text books. Interesting ehh? "This is what I would love to do", I was telling myself. Then came the question, "what we are offering for this position is 1k less than your last drawn, will you be still interested?" I smiled at her, she knew what my response was going to be. She then offered a freelance writing position if I was still interested. Now that seemed more like it i thought. I agreed on that and brought back the first assignment to be done and sent to them in a week! So my task now is to write a chapter to teach TIME to Primary 1 students in an International context. This chapter has 4 learning outcomes and I will have to design the workbook to go with the text, It is not as easy as i thought, it is not just coming up with the questions, I need to include an opening page for the chapter in the form of poem or something catchy, include an activity and a thinking bank. I shall begin :P

First 2 weeks of 2011

Its been a good start, Im blessed to be surrounded by people who love me. Both my nephews went to Primary one this year, together with them I was excited too. The job hunt is still on, havent secured anything yet, maybe Im not putting my heart to it. Im still not too sure where Im destined to be, I have so many desires. If I chase my dreams then I would have to sacrifice something else, in the middle of all this, I miss V heaps as well. I havent spoken to him for some time but I guess he is happy there. This distance reminds me more of him than ever before. Spending more time at home with family and friends does do wonders to me. Working out definitely makes me feel good, the circuit training is interesting and I hope to see results, 30kg being my target! Im back to my riceless diet, maybe I should start V's liquid potent. I am happy but there is still that missing piece in my life....