Mind Chatter

Why are you angry with him after all these years some may ask. Well yes I am disappointed with him and hurt by the outcome of his behaviour, but let me assure that it has nothing to do with the fact that he may have possibly found someone. The disappointment is only at the fact that Im not treated like a human being who deserves due respect. Im aware that love cannot be forced, and being upfront with him about my feelings towards him is just my way of coping. For those who have fallen in love with someone and not have that love reciprocated will understand where Im coming from. Sometimes when you know the love you have over someone will not be reciprocated ever, telling it to the person concerned does help you cope with it, with no expectations. I told V about my feelings for him, and Im pretty sure he knows that I am strong enough to deal with his rejection. To him Ive always been the last priority, and he has never failed to hurt me bcos of some other woman. For example Im pretty sure he was waiting for Swapna's response to picck him up from the airport maybe, and when she decided to pick him up after work, he accepted my offer to accompany him and hand him over to my friends. My next question is, if he had someone there, then why ask me to ask my friends? Why ask me to help him look out for accommodation in North Sydney? His emotions are controlled by her/them and somehow I am the receiver of his negative outbursts. Like thetime he was deciding to come to Singapore, he disappeared for sometime, perhaps he was waiting for someone else to give him a response. It beats me why he was always the last to exit from the baggage area. Reporting to Swapna maybe? Lol. I dont mind being there for him, but the least he could have done is be truthful to me. I know he will definitely fall in love again (not to me), and he probably has. But WHY put up a front that there is no love for him again, and he is going through depression etc? All I can think of is that his disinterest in only directed at me and NOT in women in general. I was never good enough for him for some reason.

After R's death, I was looking for the movie 'Ghost', starring Demi Moore and Patrick Swaze. It was the first movie we went to. I was never able to get my hands on it for a long time. Recently a good friend of mine presented it to me for my birthday. Its been almost 5 years since his death, but he never fails to come in my dreams.

Met S with a couple of other friends over dinner. His wife was present, I had no clue she was going to be there. How was he able to do it?!? "Are you seeing anyone?" he blurts. "No" I reply. He accuses me of being very choosy with my men. Maybe I am. I dont fall in love easily and not many have sparked interest in me. Kal Ho Na Ho, was an amazing movie. Shah Rukh Khan rejects Priety Zinta's love even though he loves her. He did that as he was diagnosed with cancer and his time was limited. He will be the reason Priety would accept Saif Ali Khan, her best friend. Priety confided in Saif, not knowing he loves her. Preity would find out the reason Sharukh rejected her. Intense love between the two. I too want to have cancer, then my time too will be limited. I can do the craziest things and leave the world!

A fellow colleague told me "Forget about finding a man, a rendezvous is easier!" He is right, some how the interest Ive recieved this far happens to be by married one. Puts me off marriage altogether!

S was back from Nigeria. Bought me a pearl bracelet, raw unpolished ones. They aren't rounded like those commercial ones you find in department stores. Sweet of him to get me a gift from the land he went to seek new pastures. I always tease him with the girls there. Wonder how he works with the bums and the boobs staring at him, lol. Its the thought that counts. Someone you hardly know goes through the trouble of getting you a gift and calling the moment he touches down. have been doing lot of thinking, reflecting on my past. Health isnt that great, a letter from the hospital. Hmmm sometimes you ask yourself why you live, then another day you get up and tell yourself, you will embrace life with all your will. God please be with me.

Someone said he will send me an email, well I should say I was anticipating a possible cure. Sometimes I wonder why he does that. The sms probably wasnt meant for me in the first place. How stupid of me to belief and trust him?!? Why should I trust someone who time and again has lied to me and hurt me because of another woman? Im pretty sure his disappearance has got something to do my sms. He probably is shocked that I am going over to Syd after all his attempts to deter me. Im sure he didnt expect me to make this decision. I better book the tics and the hotel soon, the price is crazyyyyy!

An Inspiration

Steve Job's death is definitely a loss to the world, but his inventions will live forever. He had a vision when he was very young, a college dropout, found his passion and worked towards it. A vision that started in a garage is now worth billions of dollars. How many of us who have completed college, have actually found our passion and know exactly what we want? Bill gates and Albert Einstein were college dropouts too. Does that mean at a certain point education or rather going to school impedes your creativity? These people were just too smart for the system and were getting bored in school. While he was the brain behind the APPS and connecting the world, we cannot deny that it has given rise to some social issues. At least in the country I am in there is a rise in 'social retards'. People lack communication and definitely social skills.

He dropped out of school but he dropped in to do what interested him - Calligraphy, and ten years later it came in handy when he was designing Mac. As an educator I can never tell my students to quit school, that is never an option at least at where I am. But Ive always told them to never stop dreaming and aiming high. Its always nice to bump into your former students, receive a hug and know that they are doing well. The fruits of our labour may not be seen within the four or five years they are with us, but definitely in most cases its worth the wait, and to be thanked for playing a part in their lives.

Steve Job's words in one of his speeches is truly an inspiration: "When life hits you on the head with a brick, don't lose faith. You've got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking, dont settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it. And like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it, Don't settle".

Have I found what I love to do? Yes definitely! But I dont think this is the place to be doing what Im doing :P I shall keep looking :D

My Instincts Have Never Failed Me

Many say that women have very strong instincts. Ive also been told that I have the ability to forsee things. Lately this ability of mine has become very evident, especially with men I should say. Its just the feel of things and deep down you know something isnt very right. I was right about V. A girl was the reason he went to Sydney and specifically North Sydney he wanted. The call by this girl Swapna the day we landed in Sydney. Sometimes I feel I know him just too well, his gestures, his stories, and sometimes the way he thinks. Its a 'friend' he says, then why not tell me that she was picking him up that day? Wonder what he told her about me, probably said Im a stalker and Im suicidal and he was making sure I left the country or some shit story he must have come up with. I feel like a fool for helping him out and making all these arrangements and even following him to Sydney to settle him down. He could have asked that bitch to assist him right? Why make me do the shit work? You do good to someone and you end up being taken advantage of. His lies never end, what I do not understand is WHY LIE? And what irritates me most is the fact that he makes himself the victim. Depression he tells me! A whole load of bullshit is all I can say. Yeah maybe he is depressed cos whoever he went there for must have dumped him and it just a total bitch and giving him hell. Men love bitches dont they. Some men just dont have the balls to admit they have someone, I wonder why. If she was really JUST a friend, there wasnt a need to lie to me. That explains why he went to Sydney on his own the first time, it was definitely a lie that his sister's friends were picking him up in the airport. I knew it then, but sometimes you just want to keep mum about certain things. In the letter to my parents, he wrote we still care about each other. Why would anyone lie and continue hurting someone if they care about that person? Thats basic friendship, you just DO NOT hurt your friend. He is probably living with her and thats why he doesnt want me there. Nice stories ehh, I still cant forget the story about the Jimiki....LOL, he seriously thought I fell for it. Company is all I asked for and nice drama you put up there. Sometimes I really wonder if he thinks that he is god's gift to women! And I do not understand how a question asked can mean that I have EXPECTATIONS????? Jesus, someone please knock it into his head that all that is long gone. He can end up with whoever he wants, cos seriously I really think its his loss. Im never gona fall in love again, cos it seriously stinks! Some men just do not appreciate someone being there for them. They come to you when in need and walk away when the job is done. Its alright, at the end of the day I can still walk with my head up. All this while I thought you were down bcos of your wife and kid, but I guess it isnt that case. Im done with you, you can live your life, im not gona give a shit anymore. Why cant you just say you have someone? Why do you keep lieing to me and fish for sympathy? Some people just dont change do they? May you be blessed wherever you are, but please dont hurt someone else out there.....