The last of 2011!

In a couple of hours this year will come to an end. On the whole a great one with new nieces and nephews, new job, new friends, reunions, AU PR and having to meet my love. But amidst all these one remains very close to my heart, the parting of my dearest uncle. I miss him dearly and always will.

New Year resolution is to be happy and enjoy life. 1 to love, 4 to flirt and 1 to travel with. No commitment, no pressure, no sorrows. 1 will remain close to my heart and the only one I will ever consider having a commitment with, but thats 1 sided so chances remain slim. But Im happy and am determined to be happy as I embrace the new year.

Looking forward to more work, more travelling, more friends and maybe meeting my love this year again. Paty begins in 2 hrs, drink , eat and a countdown in Mediacorp and maybe more drinking after that. A different countdown as compared to the last 2 years in Bhajan. Im done with that, might as well enjoy life and be happy cos I may never live to see the next day ;P. Goodbye 2011 and hello 2012!

Have been having late nights the past few days, meeting the various groups of friends I have. I just love mexican food! Cant get enough of it lol. I havent done any work and even now Ive been sitting here since morning but havent done anything. Will be out in another 3 hrs. Finally completed my prayers which were long pending. Its as if the universe was helping, the weather was great on Wed alone and the rest of the days have been raining! Even the priest commented that it was meant to take place, as he was saying that he was able to get the young banana tree which was my 'husband' for the day, these trees are scarce and cost about $50. He said he was able to get it for free. If not he would have cancelled the ritual for the day. It was also an auspicious day on Wed for the rituals to be done, so everything just fell in place. The planets have moved and mine isnt very good either. V is out from his 7.5 yrs, everything is going to be good for him from now on. Ive done prayers for him on both days and I really hope he is very happy. Did I tell you I love this man? He never fails to make my heart skip a beat. He annoys me sometimes but I love and adore him very much. He sent me a link to download the 'power' book. Sweet right. I dont think I can love someone this much again, so there is no marriage for me as I will give my husband a hard time if I marry him w/o love lol. I dont think I can commit to anyone apart from V. He is special, and I know I'll do everything to keep him happy. But he doesnt want me in his life, so it shall be this way then.

Kumar's show was great, he was asking if I was tamil and wondering how I could be so fair, then he attributed the fact to fair and lovely lol. He is our local comedian, hilarious. Meeting my loosu friend today, its been almost 6 mths I think. Looking forward to meeting her later. Before that seeing the twins, they are popping by for abit. Kiddos from my house are out and its a lilttle boring. Didnt get up to the baby talk of Haresh today. Zumba for 1.5 hrs tomorrow morning and meeting my cousin for some german sausages and beer in the city. And the meetings start thereafter! Its gona be a work week next week with all the meeting and prepping for the start of the school term. Welcome 2012. It will definitely be a great year! Personal Goal: Be happy and live lie to the fullest!

Good Morning, wonder what Im doing up so early? Well I got up to watch the movie which is long overdue so that I can return it today. But I didnt start on it, S was online, it was afternoon for him, did a video call. He said I had lost weight and looking sexy hahah, crazy. One guy who tells me that he woudnt talk to me if I lose more weight, told ya he is crazy. But he is sweet, showed me pics of his dishes that he had raked up. They looked dam delicious! Told him I dont have to worry about my meals when I go over and visit him one day. We are not in a relationship or anything but I can tell that he likes me alot from the things that he says.

It was the release of N level results yesterday. The students did pretty well and the results overall have definitely improved. My principal had a chat with me asking how I find the school and if Im happy to be there. She said she is glad I came over to the school and she likes my work. Even though I was away from the system for 2 years and rejoined in a key position, in an unknown school, she said I have done very well despite all these factors. Thats nice to hear and now I have to keep up to the expectations. " Im very happy with your department, its is headed by 3 very powerful women", were her exact words. There are 3 of us but we take charge of the various subjects and levels. One for Lower Sec, One for Chemistry and the other Bio and Phy. We have our differences but our decisions pertaining to our dept is made together.

The WatsApp application is the the best creation. My group of friends are all on this. We download the App once (for a small charge) and after that the messages are all free. You get a buzz when there is a new message sent by someone in the group. My buzzer is off though, bcos it was just buzzing too much. Finally made arrangements to get the priest to do the prayers for me. One on Wed morning and the other on Thurs evening, and 48 days of prayers after that. 3 astrologers have told me that I am not pious. I am not actually, and Ive kind of stopped praying for the past year at least, dont ask me why. Dad has been bugging me to pray. Its his birthday tday, and he wants us to go to the temple and do prayers for him if at all we want to do smthing for him. Maybe I should...I can hear my nephews outside my door, Im going to join them and roll on the floor for abit....

Weekend

Its just 2 more weekends to the new year. Time flies! Its like an addiction with you, I have to tell you whatever I have done for the day and it kind of feels good when I 'talk' to u.

I think im putting on weight again :( grrr...had my apple cidar today. Guess what happened yesterday? I have been putting off work for sometime now, just do not feel like doing anything.So i thought I would keep Saturday to finish it off, then guess what happens. A call I receive, and off I went to Butter factory that night. I am never going there again. It was so crowded that I scraped my skin trying to get off that place. My skin is off a little on my arm, I had to literally push my way out, never have I ever taken like 20 minutes to exit a club! More social retards nowadays, they know you are waiting to get out, but they refuse to barge. The crowd was madness, music was very good but it was a very young crowd. We left and headed for some food, I can't belief we actually climbed over the barricades to crossover to the other side of the road! Well that was fun :P

Was late for class on Sunday because of the trains. The north bound services are still affected and trains are not running. Wonder when they will actually rectify the problem. The birthday party after that, it was really nice to see all my friends, did some planning for Christmas gathering and yeah the day ended with that.

Actually I feel very sad. I never heard from V since I left. Not even a call to sif he liked the shirt or if the fit was right.....

Its a sign

Ive always wanted to go into art and photography but have been too cooped up with work. Lately Ive been surrounded by people talking about cameras and photography. Ive decided to invest in a Canon 600D too. Its about SGD$1.5K. Should use the NCD next year to claim. Had a go with Suja's one, its cool, was modelling for her the other day. She just invested in one and is attending classes. Yeah I plan to invest in one too. It prob will come in handy when I go travelling at the end of the year.Fauzi does amazing shots, his shots in Tazzie were breathtaking! Bays of fire was magnificent. Should get a few tips from him before I venture on my own.

S was online, he is coming to S'pore at the end of Jan, is gona be here for 2 days to feast on his street food! One crazy guy who travels 24 hrs from US just to eat asian street food. He was nice to ask me what I wanted from India as he was going there to visit his family. The only weirdo who tells me not to lose weight lol. Told him more men should think like him hahah. Finally he has decided to accept someone into his life. All this while he was so agaisnt marriage, im glad he has changed his mind. Was asking if I met anyone in Sydney, told him I dont feel like committing to anyone and have no reason for deciding so. I cant tell him that V was the pushing factor to this decision.
"why are you nice to me", I asked him. "You have happy vibes." is his respond. Im glad I bring happiness to others, but Ive always wondered why is it that I am always a disease to V.

Told S to get me the pearl from Nigeria as Im asked to wear one on the left index finger for good luck. I should. He is coming back in Jan too for 3 weeks, so he said he'll get me one.

The people whom who have no connection to care about you, but the one person whom u wish had some concern over you decides to shun you from his life. This trip was definitely an eye opener for me. If you mean something to someone and if they want you in their life, they'll find their way, its that SIMPLE!

Good Saturday morning!

It almost 11am, its been a lazy Saturday this far! Was pondering what to wear for the birthday party tomorrow. The theme is Safari, I have a safari shirt dress in my pile somewhere, its between that and a snake print dress, but thats a little too dressy for a beach party. So i'll go with the beige shirt dress, but the problem is, it doesn't button at my boobs grrrrhhhh, I need to wear something else inside so that it can be left unbuttoned, kind of looks nice with my boobs showing actually :P. Ok lets see, should I go for the tiger print bikini halter top or my cheetah print gym sports bra? Since this is a family affair, I shall go with the latter as my boobs are gona be staring at someone with the former. Ok that topped up with my brown gladiators should suit the theme just fine. You see Im doing everything else but my work here! Therein lies another problem, I have to go for class before I go for the party, can you imagine your teacher conducting a class in a safari shirt dress, top half unbuttoned with leopard prints starring at you? Thats gona be my first class for the year, hmmm I have to make my first impression with these 13 year olds.

It is a nice day to sit at the balcony, have a bottled beer and read a book. For some reason V always seems surprised when I say Im heading to the gym or im reading. What does he take me for, a bimbotic slob? Ohh yeah I forgot, I dont fit into his upmarket, high society profile. His reactions drives me up the wall sometimes. Like the other time, I was close to walking off, but because he bought me the food and took time off his ever busy schedule to sit with me til I finished, I gave him some respect, stayed on and finished up the food. I had lost my appetite because of the way he reacted, raising his voice while trying to defend himself with his lies. The words he used on me the other day still ring in my ears, "you are the begger", "fuck off".....why did I put myself through this? Its Karma I suppose, Im still paying back, when will this misery ever end ehhh? God you there?

I should seriously look into buying a place of my own, now that im 35, Im eligible to buy under HDB. Should start looking. Contemplating buying a condo. Prices are up the wall for a chicken coop. First in the list is a car. Bro has asked me to wait til chinese new year to get one as the prices seem to be falling. The COE for a 1.5 litre car is 55k now and thats excluding the price of the car. This is nuts! The CEO of SMRT mentioned that the disruptions to trains the night before had caused a lot of chaos and inconvenience to the public! What was he f**** thinking? That we wouldn't have known otherwise?!? Bloody morons sitting up there....

Friday this Far

Was up at 7am even though I slept only at 4am. Nowadays I can sleep for very long, beats me why. A quick wash up and headed to the gym. "Where were you for the past month?" asked my trainer. I had no clue I can extend the membership if I was overseas, a little too late now, should have done it prior it seems. Did 3 rounds of the 15 stations today. Heart rate was at 25, dipped from the usual 26-27. Stood on the scale, loved what I saw. My weight has been fluctuating the entire year but it has been 7 kg off since Jan, the last 3 came off during the 3 week holiday in Sydney. I seem to be losing weight whenever I am overseas. I hardly eat, thats cos I replace it with something else. Had wheat biscuit with cheese and tuna for brekkie and 2 rice paper rolls for lunch, havent decided dinner yet. Cleared some work emails. Taxi prices are on the rise with the increase of the peak hour timing from 4.30pm to 12 mid night, how is 12 midnight a peak hr on a weekday still beats me! Bloody Singaporeans! Im surprised the government hasnt intervened....Break down of the trains services yesterday, one got stuck in the tunnel with the power off, and some clown broke the glass window for some ventilation, it was chaos in the stations last night. Roads were jammed, taxis were fully booked and people were frantic. I still have work to do but I aint doing it today. Im off to collect my stuff from my cousin and going to another cousin's place for some drinking session. Im already a little sleepy, I doubt I'll sustain the night today, they'll kill me if I dont! Note to self: Drive safely and dont sleep on the wheels. If you do ensure you meet with an accident and are dead, but make sure noone else is endangered.

Makeover for 2012

Thursday was good, stayed at home so that I can do some work but guess what I never did. Had a hair cut and colour, my hair is short now huhooo! Mom says it looks better on me, younger. Then off for a full face threading, hair is all prim and proper. Would have done a massage, but decided to head home instead to get some work done. But guess what again? Received an msn message from S in the US. "Where are you, I havent received any messages from you". Replied to that, and then S from Nigeria comes on skype. "Oooi pandi where have you been?" I thought i had told him I was heading to Sydney for 3 weeks, apparently I didnt, and it seems he had never done Australia and would have swung by if I had told him I was going to be there! Damn that was a waste, I would have had some company to head the clubs with. And so the conversation continued with us planning my next trip to Nigeria, Johannesburg, South Africa and Dubai. Im excited now, but thats in another 12 months hahah! Im finished with that and then tell myself ok, its almost 6pm and I SHOULD be starting on my work, my plan was to stay up all night and finish it up. Stay up all night I did, but i wasnt doing any work! At 6.20pm a beep on my handphone, "Advance Merry Christmas!", my reply "Hey how have you been?". The conversation continues with "Im great, just back from Perth, the weather is good for a beer, free for one?" I didnt even think a second, "Yeah, why not?" So off I went to Fabrika, a cosy rooftop bar on the 17th floor with an amazing view of the port! Good music, and nice wheat beer, a healthier choice he says lol. "Looking good, girl and you have lost so much of weight since the first time I saw you and you smell good as usual!" A regional business manager, travels quite abit and has been asking me to join him during his trips. Maybe I should one of these days to those destinations I havent been before. MArried with a kid but stay out everynight....and so our night lasted til 3.30am....

Things that Ive picked up from V in my last trip. "Enjoy Life, sometimes you just have to let go of the beliefs you have been holding on so tightly to." It does feel good at the end of the day to walk out without any commitments, there is absolutely no room for emotions and it definitely is exhilirating! Thanks V, maybe I am following your footsteps, the footprints you've left in me is making me rebel now. I dont care anymore!

Myself

Had a work review session with my vice principal this morning. Nice to hear that he loves working with me and he said that I value add to the department. My people skills and bubbly nature have definitely been an added advantage for me and I have integrated into the school culture well he said. He complimented the way I was firm with one of the staff in driving the message across when the need arose. Its nice to hear that people are attracted to my bubbly nature and have positive comments about my work. Leadership is about people after all and it nice to know I have the balance to drive the people Im working with. I thought I was losing my bubbly nature for a moment. This is the 2nd time in 2 weeks someone has mentioned about my bubbly nature. The other was a friend who lives in Sydney. Spent 2 days with her. Ive known her since my teenage days, she was my cousin's best friend. Apparently she saw my pics then and thought I was very pretty and still thinks so. She too said that I have a bubbly nature that compliments my looks. I did mention to her too that its really nice to hear that as I really thought that Ive lost that side of me with all that I have been going through lately. Reassurance does help sometimes especially when you've hit rock bottom.

Met Suja and Shyly for lunch and spent the evening with them. Food and laughter and a comment from Suja "Where were you all this while? I missed you man". Their first comment on seeing me today "You look good, What did you do?" Something has changed in the 3 weeks definitely. All those I met said Ive lost weight! Well with not eating I suppose I did. But today would have made up for the 3 weeks I suppose. Night was more food with my cousins. The 4 of us again, its been a long time since we all were together joking and laughing! I cant help but think of V at that moment.

I become this completely different person around him. Very quiet and I hardly speak. That is because of the way he makes me feel. He never has anything positive to say about me. Always putting me down for some reason and I become very conscious around him. Well of course he compares me with all the high profile friends and the high society lifestyle he leads now. Why would he want to have any kind of affiliation with me? I do not need his acceptance but I am just so bloody angry with the way he has treated me. I have also been a victim of his lies and defense snaps. He can lead his life the way he wants but he has no right to snap at me to hide his lies. He slept on else's couch he says, but he chooses not to come back home even when I am not around, then why make me feel bad by saying that he cleared his place FOR me? He made me feel like Im the most boring person on earth. Refuses to go anywhere with me nor do any activity with me. He is definitely seeing someone, that should explain the secret calls after his supposedly "time out" periods. To hide that damn lie he snapped at me. How is that fair to me?

What kind of a person doesnt thank someone when he receives a gift? If he was worried about the cost of making a call, then an email at least? I know I dunt mean a thing to him, but not to even give basic respect?!? I think I deserve more than this. I may not be rich like those he is seeing, but I definitely do need to be respected and treated well. He doesnt even reply to my smses but Im sure during that time he has many that he has to respond or talk to. Sometimes I wonder if he afraid that I will take the gal away from him. Why should I? When a man tells u he doesnt want you, you should just stay away. Somehow he knew my reply was to make him happy and I didnt mean what I said when he asked if I had a good time. Well he was just too busy for me and how would I have had a good time when he made me feel like Im some low grade person he doesnt want to associate with? And why ask me about Vidya? Why would I have udates about her?!? He has this perception of me in his head and that makes him react the way he does. Fuck it I dont givea shit anymore! He can go and fuck around with his high society babes!

Back to Reality

It has been a great 3 weeks. Good company, great places, less crowded than where I come from, well people are not standing back to back in the trains at least.

Have been feeling real lousy, I think its the reality of an ending holiday and going back to the damn place I come from and facing the people there. I know I dont fit in there. Terrible headache Ive got since the morning. Hot shower helped a little but its back again. have so much of work to do but I aint in the correct state to do them. The headache is killing me. Maybe I should just head to bed. I love this bed, I sleep like a baby, though I get up very early.

V came over to pass me something, he was nice enough to accompany me for dinner. But for some reason he always snaps at me even without hearing me out. Wonder why he hates me so much. Why did he think I was getting at him? He has so much of hatred towards me. I was merely going to tell him, since he answers phone calls outside his stipulated times, why not answer the private numbers too. Even before I could finish what I going to say, he snapped at me. He feels bad that he hasnt seen his son. Well I hope he gets to see him real soon.

Have ensured the house is clean, swept it today and did the dishes. Packed all my things. He can come back to a clean home now. Appreciate him allowing to stay but I also feel very bad that he was on a couch all these days. But still wonder why he treats me like a disease. He ha never understood me and he never will. he is always angry at me and it puzzles me why. Well maybe Its time I disappeared from him, like I said he wouldnt care and wouldnt even realise that ive gone missing. Why does he hate me so much? Havent I always been there whenever he needed me? Everytime I see him I just feel like giving him a big hug, I can fall in love with him over and over again. He never fails to make my heart sink just like the first time I saw him. I love this guy, I know I do and he means alot to me. But for some reason, Ive never meant anything to him and thats sad. I love you V and I always will. Note to self: throw the rubbish tomorrow.

Sunday Chatter

Have been sitting with my laptop since morning, but can't seem to be concentrating. Damn it wat's wrong with me?!? Havent been to the gym in 3 weeks, kind of miss it but Ive been walking quite abit to make up for the absence. The lady doing my pedicure said I had firm legs, must be from all the bench presses Ive been doing I suppose. I just love that machine.

Had an intense and insightful conversation with V the other night. Something Ive been pondering upon for a long time. Still dont agree with his thought manifestation and reality theory. Wanted to say that in my sms but refrained myself. This trip made me realise he doent actually care about me. he doesnt call to check on me, never once said he'll bring me for a nice meal somewhere, not even to some place over the weekend. He comes on and off to take his stuff and I get a glimpse of him, thats about it. I dont like his differentiated treatment. He doesnt answer calls from me but he returns calls to the girls as late as 9.30pm. But I dont understand why secretive though. Maybe thats one of the eggs he is sheltering and doesnt want to hurt. Now i understand why his calls to me have stopped. Its not that he isnt calling anyone as he claims but he just doesnt call me. Today he left very quickly, suppose he was having someone over. Im not needed anymore i guess. He has enough people to entertain him. Love is there for him still but Ive decided to disappear from him. He wouldnt care anyway, maybe wouldnt even realise that ive disappeared. I dont mean anything to him, so why bother. he seems to have time for the rest but me anyway, so Im going to let him be. Have a blessed life. Since I dont mean anything to you and you've made it quite apparent, I should just leave you alone.

A Joke Gone Wrong

Truth always hurts, it hurts even more when you lose someone forever because of what you unintentionally utter at the spur of the moment. I never knew I could be capable of hurting someone so deeply. Today I knew the truth of what caused him to move away from me. Something said could be a joke to one but not to the other, especially if you are the one on the receiving end. Im sorry, I really am. You are my world and you will always remain special to me even though I know that you'll never be mine again.

People say you have to be careful of what you wish for. Everynight I go to bed wishing never to wake up the next morning. But when the sun rises I am up too. You see what people say isnt true afterall. For once I really wish it comes true. Im done with life, I really am. Ive asked god to give me a break from my miseries, a permanent one. I dont think I have the guts to do what R did, pills dont work, Ive tried. You just feel sick after that, but you are still alive. Nothing seems to be going right for me. Its not love im talking about, its life itself. I dont see a purpose in life anymore. God please take me away.