Goodbye 2010

Its the 364th day today. Tomorrow marks a new year but let us not forget this year which has many great memories to keep. My greatest accomplishment was the Masters, friends Ive made, the experience away fro home, new travelling adventures, closures from exes, and the best of all being re-united with family and friends. I am glad to be surrounded by friends, the true ones, those I left behind a year and a half ago. Some of them hold a special place in my life and always will even if they are married or have kids.

I am also glad I got to meet V again and to have an opportunity to get to know him all over again. He will always have a special place in my heart and I know I do in his as well, Thanks for the gift V, i sure know its from you, I know you more than you know yourself remember? You may be in denial but i know you love me and will come back to me one day, I will wait til you realise.

To the universe and baba, thank you very much for 2010, these are moments I would treasure. It takes alot to have nothing and yet be happy. I am glad to say that I am happy, and now its time to start that job hunt. With open arms I embrace 2011, with my loved ones beside me and my soulmate in my heart :-)

Thank You Lord! I Love You and Muacks!

Our little Adventure

Today we booked out tickets to Tassie, 6 days and 5 nights. I told myself I have to do this - a free and easy adventure trip with a girlfriend all by ourselves, exploring an unknown terrain. Feels good and I am looking forward to it. Some shower is expected but I just hope it doesn't ruin our trip. Tomorrow we plan the route and book the car and probably the initial accomodation. We land in Lauceston and depart from Hobart. We are going to have a great time for sure :-)

Why is it that men can get so annoying sometimes, or rather most of the time. I am accused of not trying to meet someone, and when I do I end up meeting people who are superficial and full of bull stories. Yet another arse I have come across. Sometimes you let yourself out there only to be reminded that the perception you have formed about certain things will never change. Its no loss for me though, cos the universe knows who I truly desire :-)

Sleepless nights

Its 4am, sleep is nowhere in the radar,
Thinking of where my life is headed,
This is not me I tell myself, for the 1000th time maybe,
"Get out of your depression", I get snapped at
"What makes you think I am depressed", I retort,
"Your face says it all & you do not care about anything" comes a reply
The rebel that I am I refused to acknowledge the truth
That day in July 2007, a click of a button that turned my life around
Many have walked in and out of my life but this one shattered me into pieces
Just as I picked up those pieces and glued that imperfect self
It was shattered yet another time just to realise that it will never be perfect again
New ones come into your life, but in that conversation all you can think of is the one who was the reason your life remains shattered til now
WHY you ask yourself, the answers you will never get from a 2 faced Gemini
The little lies that you tell, sometimes i wonder why even now you do
Please God take me away, as I am hurting those who love me while chasing after the love which hurts me

The Story of Sathya Sai Baba HD

Sri Sathya Saibaba singing "Manasa Bhajare Guru Charanam" Bhajan

Are You Happy

The question of whether I am happy has been posted to me quite a number of times in the past year. Am I really happy? I know I have nothing to complain about but if this equates to happiness, is still questionable. Happiness to me is being around loved ones and doing the things I love doing. I am neither with my family nor with the man I love and my answer to all who have posted this question is "NO". By going back to my family, I am hurting them more as I am unable to fulfill their desires. The very man I love has asked me for distance as he has his own desires. What do I do but stare at the ceiling, stand under the shower in deep thoughts or cry myself to sleep? This dreamy moments landed me in a close shave with a huge truck one afternoon. Sometimes the thought of ending my life has ever crossed my mind. I have moved on, but I cant take him off my mind, I am living in the hope that I will be his priority one day and he will come back for me. I have wondered why I love a man who has hurt me so much and who time and again has chosen someone else over me. I was never his priority, then why am I so madly in love with him?"how are you", was a reply to my sms to him. Do I fake what is happening in my head or do I tell him the truth? Does he even really care? I dont think so!

Deepavali 2010

This is the 2nd Deepavali away from home. It was great this year as well. Did some prayers with my friend in the morning at home, had lunch with them and my cousin and headed for a birthday party at night. The smses from friends interstate and the call from home made me miss home. There was a party back home yesterday at my cousin's and i was dearly missed. Its nice to have people missing your presence and remembering the games you have introduced in past parties. I sure have one bunch of cracko cousins! Somehow I missed home more this year than last. Mom cried the day before saying she misses me, well that has been the case every time she calls. I hold myself from breaking down and mask it with a harsh tone. She often says I dont love nor understand her. They want me to get married, but what do i tell them? One of the reasons I left Singapore was to be away from them so that the attention would be taken off me and my parents would worry less. I am waiting to be the priority of this one man I truly love.
Well they say you talk to the universe and it will happen, so i have been talking to my dearest universe :p.

The last chapters....

It has been a great 16 months I should say. This chapter of my life is coming to an end in 22 days to be exact. A trip to Christchurch and Wellington and then home sweet home. This party planner has been 'hired' to plan mommy's 60th Bday on 19th Dec and Daddy turns 68 on 20th Dec. Dec seems to be filled for now :-) and there goes my job hunting. This 16mths have sure been a roller coaster ride for me but this experience has definitely made me stronger. The friends Ive made, the people I came across and all the hardships and emotions that i have gone through has made life much richer for me.

The 3 weeks with S before he went back to his wife and kids, was really comforting. An angel who came into my life at the right time to lift me up, showing me what love, care and concern really is. "I followed you behind the workshop and chat you up. You were in jeans and white top, do you remember? Even your friends knew I was following you. I was always attracted to you." I just looked into his eyes in amazement! How am I to remember an incident 18 years ago?!? My heart melts when he plays the guitar and sings. He is everything a woman would want her partner to be. We had loads of fun talking about school days, shopping (this fashion guru made him buy a pink and green shirt haha), cooking, singing, clubbing and not forgetting our movie marathons. It was sure great to be in someone's arms (pumped and strong :P) and to be loved and cared for. But like how all good things come to an end, it was time for another goodbye. I was strong until he held me close to him and whispered "thanks for everything, and take care of yourself." Those familiar words and I broke down. I could see the redness in his eyes. The last flying kiss and he was gone.

The goodbye with V in Sydney airport was very different. It was nice of him to hang around until I boarded the plane. No hugs, no kisses, he didnt look at my face even. A quick cheek to cheek, "take care", no looking back and we walked in opposite directions. I cried all the way, through my journey from Sydney to Melbourne. Leaving him, I felt so lost, as if a part of me had gone with him. I confined myself to my room for days until S called me one day. S knew how much I love and miss V. I havent heard from V and this is it I guess. A married friend of mine told me yesterday "you know he is THE ONE, when he is a bad arse and you really want him in your life." Ive always wanted V in my life. He is one person I have done crazy things for. I forget myself when Im with him. He aint loving nor caring but somehow my heart only seeks for him. Crazy right? yeah i know, my middle name is "mad".

This year has also been ex boyfriends confession year. One says he regrets not coming back to me after we broke up. He said it was his ego that stopped him from doing so. The other says he broke up because of inferiority complex. He said I had a good relationship with family and friends and he loved the way I interacted with them. He apparently forced himself to leave me because he was more of a recluse. Well i never knew this in 10 years! Looking back, all my exes still keep in touch with me and I realised i did have a positive impact in all their lives that im remembered for.

The last few weeks in Melbourne. Gym, friends, cooking, drinking and outings. Paul loves my cooking and I told him he is my guinea pig, lol! Im gona make him some fish sambal tday. Think his taste buds are dead from all the vegetarian food his wife has been cooking. This is how its been for the past few weeks. Being single is great and im enjoying every bit of it. This is how my life is gona be. Love is out of the radar but Im still holding on to my hopes that ONE DAY my LOVE would come back to me :P.. I love my LIFE...Jay was saying I could write a book about my life, apparently its a very interesting one...looking back I feel the same too huauhauha

It's Hard To Say Goodbye By Celine Dion and Paul Anka

Just Walk Away by Celine Dion (with lyrics) HD

"Takin' Back My Love" - Enrique Iglesias feat. Ciara

Dreams

Sometimes you wake up after a dream feeling it very real. Sometimes you forget what you dream or at times you get up remembering ever detail of it. Its 4am now, what am i doing up? Well I haven't been able to have a proper sleep lately cos there is just too many things in my poor head. They say your dreams are merely your thoughts in your subconscious mind. But how is that possible when you have dreams that seem like more of a premonition? Well i never thought much of my dreams until they started happening like what Ive dream. Especially in the last 5 years with the guys I was dating. With guy 1 I dream that there was another girl in his life, and this was when i was holidaying in NZ. The 2nd dream i had about him was that i walked in on him while he was making out. The 1st came true when I called him and a girl answered his phone and replies "Im his girlfriend, who are you"? My reply was "Im his girlfriend too." And I did catch them in bed, just like my dream, when he was supposed to be at work.

With the 2nd guy I dated, I dream that i was calling him and a girl answered his mobile, guess what? It happened exactly the same even though when asked later he denied that he had even received a call from me. How is that possible when the dialled number reflects his number and time of call right?

Now with the 3rd guy, this is funny cos i never thought much of this. I dream that he was walking away with a girl names "K". So i told him about the dream and playfully asked him if he knew someone by that name and he goes, "yeah my ex girlfriend". Soon after he decides to break up, probably cos he got afraid, maybe she was the 'other' woman after all, I trust my gut feeling :-)

Now coming back to the 2nd guy I dated, well i was in love with him even after we broke up like more than 2 years ago. Well he entered my life again for his own gains and of course now that he doesnt need me anymore, has walked out yet another time :-), but strangely this is what Ive dream since we parted about a month ago. In the first one he is standing in the airport and as i was saying my last goodbye he looked into my eyes and asked "are you really going?"...I can still remember his look, tone and voice. 2 weeks after that, I dream that my family was embracing him and were very happy. I was puzzled and asked him why are they so happy, to which he replied "Because they know I Love You and that you will be happy with me". This guy has never said that he loves me, so even in my dreams I was surprised and I asked "You love me? Why did you leave then?" And the reply WAS "Because you are big for me!" I woke up and it was 6am. What d i make out of the last 2 dreams? I sure want them to come true, ok minus the "bcos you are big for me" bit but seriously him telling me "i love you" is no where near any possibility that it could have been in my subconscious mind.

Its been 2 weeks since I spoke to him, well we had a fight and I swore never to talk to him again for all the hurt he has put me through. But sometimes you wonder why you love this man so much especially when he has hurt you time and again. Im sure he has his substitutes, well if he can call someone in another country to ask her how to cook fish, i am sure if he wants me in his life, buzzing me in another state would be much cheaper :-)

People sure do come into your life for reasons...sometimes you just wish you knew what the reasons were, cos it would make moving on much easier...some are able to drop everything, relocate and start. And some like me keep hoping that someday the 'happiness' that decided to walk out of your life decides to walk back into your arms, this time for eternity :-)

A Leopard will never change its spots

You seek when your life is turned upside down,
An apology you send to the many you have messed with til now,
Only to realise later its the exact same for all;
What made me think you were genuine at all?
How can anyone be as selfish and heartless as you are?
The many stories you have spun to me til now,
Even for a pair of earrings im amazed as to how,
The liar that you'll always be to get what you want,
Seeking sympathy from women with your stories to all,
Why is it you always desire someone else?
Distance is what you want in the name of moving on;
I dont understand you sometimes; you seek for me when in need and down,
what happened to the rest of your ladies if i may ask?
Am I an easier target when they refuse to do your dirty job?
You seek forgiveness to clear your karma but,
a self centered, 2 faced, insincere person is what you are,
My instincts have never failed me, and sleep around you definitely did,
What is the real reason behind Sydney and north Sydney specifically if i may ask,
You can lie all you want, but i know you inside out just too well,
Why go to my friend to clear the mess you have created,
You know very well Ive let you go and move on like you want,
So dunt pretend like im holding you back, even if i was do u really care?
Aint I worth your time or effort? Run from me is what you can,
But the man up there is watching down on us,
A leopard will never change its spots will it?

Why

Sometimes you sit and ponder why things happen the way they do,
Why you meet certain people in your life and the things you go through,
I sit here facing the man I love, the very man whom walked away a couple of years ago in search of greener pastures elsewhere.
The very pastures that turned his life upside down and threw him to a corner,
Subjected to humiliation and yearning for peace, a life in seclusion, facing the four walls with noone for a decent conversation,
Not let to see the very child he had endured all those mental trauma for,
Today he has walked away from a wife and a newborn whom he never set eyes on,
This very man was in every vein of mine for a very long time,
Ive lied to myself and to others that he is no longer in my system,
But only to realise that he is one whom I truly love and want to grow old with,
In my mind Ive lived with him as his wife and the mother of his children.
The definition of love is to care for and feel a sense of attachment to a person,
I definitely feel an intense sense of attachment to him, maybe he is from my past,
I wonder if the feeling is mutual, or maybe its just a way he is seeking redemption,
But I know I have been there for him at the lowest times of his life,
to land a hand, lift him up, give a pat on his shoulder and tell him things will be alright, to see a smile on his face sure does brighten my day,
I havent got a clue how long this is going to last, time is running out I know,
Destiny will seperate us yet another time,
When will our paths cross I have no clue, or will it ever I am not sure too,
Dear God is this one of your games? Did you send someone else into my life just to prove to me that i have been lieing to myself all these while? The two men Ive ever loved, one you have taken away, is this seperation a permanent one too?

Past months

So much has happened since the last,
Assignments, breakup & a wedding to name some,
A distinction Im happy with for the one done during the storm
A storm caused by one that promised a commitment lifelong
Why waste someone's time if thou are in a confusion?
A woman with dignity will not watch while the boat sways during its sail
Does your attitude stink because she brought it back to path?
Deal with it, a taste of your own medicine is all I can say
Wait and watch, Karma will follow you and bite your arse
For it did to one and forgiveness he has finally asked
Having you back in my life is definitely wonderful
What is it with us that keeps our paths crossing?
I will never find the answer nor know the future
But i feel you as before and want you more than ever
To the one in new york, this is my soulmate i told you about
You and I are something spiritual is what you said
Its nice to know I am in your heart, but sorry to say
my past is what im holding to, i thought its gone, but it is still in me
I am sorry

A comment to my previous post

This was just too beautiful to be left in the comment area, so here it is....

When you're gonna stop breaking my heart
I don't wanna be another one
Paying for the things I never done
Don't let go
Can I get to your soul
Can you get to my thought
Can we promise we won't let go
Your smile is a beautiful lie
I hate to see you cry
My love is dying inside
I can fix all those lies
I run, but I'm running to you
You won't see me cry, I'm hiding inside
My heart is in pain but I'm smiling for you
I need you more than air when I'm not with you
Please don't ask me why, just kiss me this time
My only dream is about you and I

From My Loosu Friend

Dear Lord

Dear Lord I pray to thee
Give me the wisdom to sieve
Let me again trust and belief
The truth should unfold by itself
Give him the courage to tell
And strength to walk away if need be
Noone is perfect I know
Is he my perfect man, I dont know
"Make the right decision", mom tells me
He brought love my way & he sure loves me I can say
But is love alone enough to live life I ask myself
In situations that there are to come by is that alone
sufficient to hold you by?
I have nothing to offer I have said
Sit within the shades of my comfort is what he said
Dear Lord I pray to you
Happiness is what I seek from live
Love alone is not going to do
Wealth, Health & Career have a part to play too
Is he ready to give what i seek
Give him the courage to deal with reality
And walk away he must if he aint genuine.

Life Is Game

So many have stopped by, but you were the only one who caught my eye
Where you came from I dont know but you sure seem grounded to me alot more
So many Ive seen, but you aint like any of those imberciles Ive wasted my time with
There are some nice ones out there, only time nears them to you
The path to them may seem a wonder but I hope the destination is all a bliss
Life IS a game, a game that got me lost in it for a long long time
The promises that you're making, I just hope im not in for another ride to come
My revived soul will not last through one more shatter for sure
On my knees I plead to you, walk away if you know love and care for eternity aint what you have in your mind to shower, cos right now infront of you I stand as never
No riches, no possessions, no presents, no money but only with love, to shower.....

30 second Speech by Bryan Dyson (CEO of Coca Cola)

"Imagine life as a game in which you are juggling five balls in the air.
You name them - Work, Family, Health, Friends and Spirit and you're
keeping all of these in the Air.

You will soon understand that work is a rubber ball. If you drop it, it
will bounce back.

But the other four Balls - Family, Health, Friends and Spirit - are made
of glass. If you drop one of these; they will be irrevocably scuffed,
marked, nicked, damaged or even shattered. They will never be the same.
You must understand that and strive for it."

WORK EFFICIENTLY DURING OFFICE HOURS AND LEAVE ON TIME.
GIVE THE REQUIRED TIME TO YOUR FAMILY, FRIENDS & HAVE PROPER REST.

A sms i received

This was just too good to be discarded so i thought i'll just park it here....

Here I sit and ponder, I should be on my assignment.
But no i wonder, at the heart's siren.
How much longer to remain silent?
Thoughts of u linger, mending heart's remnants. Hmmmmmmm

By ZePoet

To My Loosu Friend

Long gone are the days when we used to hang around with my hero
Even without him, we found a way, the happiness of us being together
I havent heard from you for the longest of time, how are u, i wonder
Im immersed in my papers, trying to complete and find a footing here
What the future holds I know not, am I coming back, I wish I had an answer
Struggles have always been a part of me, since the time I remember to be
Mom is worried about me and the comforting words from dad keeps it going in me
The one man I loved, I still do and I havent gotten over him and dont have a clue
Near he may be but very far he has gone from me, communication has since ceased
Noone else I have replaced in his place, there are a few but no nterest from me
How is it going there? How is love treating you out there?
The mails I send you get bounced, i have no clue as to why
Im ow registered to teach here, but still pending is my residency to live here
My future still holds a question, I hope my sacrifices are worth every mention....

Little Pleasures

Each of us definitely have that one thing that brings a smile to our face or that little something that makes our day. I have my pleasures chatting with my cousins on msn, friends on fb, family on msn live and that email from HIM. The mails are probably once in a month when the dues are up or maybe not that even. It revolves around one subject, sometimes an arguement, sometimes a misunderstanding and sometimes just a reason to get a mail going. The popping of his name in my Inbox sure does bring a smile to my face but if the smile lasts depends on the click of the mouse! Maybe he has changed. Marriage does good to a man. I wish him all the happiness and sometimes I wished he knew that he was my happiness.....

Life & Its Swists & Turns

Somtimes you think you have planned it all out and life is going the way you want. Then someone somewhere decides to change something and there it goes again, your dreams, your aspirations and all your plans down the drain. I left my family, my career, my friends and basically my entire life to start life afresh in another land, seeking out for greener pastures thinking life would be better down under. This is not where I originally planned, but as I said life has its own twists and turns and here I am. The first few months were a struggle, but nothing more I could ask for, I needed a break from work and I have it, have familiar faces from home surrounding me, a comfortable place to stay, food to eat, nice flatmates and lots of time in my hands.

The one person I try to forget I havent been able to, have moved on non the less. As easy as it may sound and as hard as it is in reality, i did try, just to meet another jerk who had something up his sleeve. Wasnt too surprised nor affected and life goes on, still in search of my knight in shining armour. School doesnt start til March, another Semester, my last hurdle. Then comes decision time, stay or leave? Somthing Ive been pondering on for the last few months. I came here for a reason but the uncertainty of the future still holds. Its a little scary as funds are running low and thoughts of being away from my family forever never fails to bring a tear. Nice to have frinds around, old ones from home and new ones Ive made along the way. Comforting at times but the loneliness is never away. That itself is a fear sometimes, getting too comfortable with yourself can't be good in a long can it. Overall things are better, life is good, cant ask for more.

What the future holds isnt known to me. I treasure the present and make plans for the future. The destination is clear but the process may have its swists and turns. Someone once said I was his angel, not sure if I still am one too him but sometimes I wish I had a chance to catch a glimpse of that someone without him knowing. As crazy as i may sound but that IS the truth. Life is a game and im still playing it!