Dreams

You get up from a slumber and feel it so real, then you realise it was all a dream. There are some dreams you wish you never had and pray it will never manifest into something real in future, and there are of course some others that you wish would come true. It is strange how I have had dreams of V four times in 2 weeks. What seems stranger is that after the 3rd time, it was R who had a message for me, "I love you" is all he said. I have always associated V with R. It is after R passed on that I met V, 8 mths later. They were similar in many ways and these are the two men I have truly loved.

R's death gave me a closure after almost 14 years, that is how long I had known him. After 6 months of chasing, I finally said 'yes' to him. I was 16 then, and doing my O levels. Its is only during my tertiary education that we were more of a couple. My dad was a very strict man, so our meetings were always a hush hush. 3 years later I realised R was into drugs, but I was behind him, hoping he would change. He was sent to a drug rehabilitation centre by his sister. That is when my dad sent me off to Australia in the hope that our relationship would end there. We had our ways of keeping in touch with each other even though he was in a rehab centre. Then one day I sent him a letter asking for a break up. After my education I returned home, we met and kicked it off again. His drug problem never ended, and I used to receive calls from a particular girl, claiming to be his girlfriend. The turmoil ended after almost 8 years. For the next 5 years there was no news of R, then one day I received a call from his sister who gave me his contact number. Four months before this call, on New Years day, my brother had met R who was then a bouncer in the club. I was supposed to have been there with my brother, but had other plans. R had asked my brother how I was. In this 5 years of absence, someone had told him i was already married. We kicked it off again, we always had a soft spot for each other and I know R had always loved me. "I will agree in you marryig anyone else but R", my dad retorted angrily during an arguement. R was also very reluctant to meet dad too. Then one day i was trying frantically to reach R on his handphone. After trying throughout the night, at about 6am, a female answered his cell. "Hello, can I speak to R", I said. "Who is this?", asked me the puzzled voice. "Im his girlfriend, who is this on the line please?" "Im his girlfriend too", replied the shocked female, and I could here her crying. After an ugly incident, our relationship ended. R still kept in touch with me. I know he was having problems in his relationship and his drug problem surficed again. Nov 10th 2006, at 8.30pm, i received a call from R's sister that he had committed suicide.

July 16th 2007, the journey with V started. Little did I know he was just bringing me for a ride, but in the next 6 mths I had fallen in love with him, and todate I still do. He met my family and friends and that increased my hopes of ending up with him which I was looking forward to. It all ended in June 2008. Those times I visited V in Australia, we had a great time and he took good care of me. V got married in Oct 2009, and I knew of it the exact same way I had dream of. During this entire time, I still thought of V very much. Just as I was happy that he was married and moving on with my life, I was told that his marriage was on the rocks and he had walked out. He met me to ask for forgiveness, as a form of redemption to get his life on track. This he was doing to all he had hurt, so i wasnt anything special. In fact, I realised my mail was even shorter and impersonal as compared to those received by the rest. I was still very much in love with V and couldnt see him suffer. I decided to be there for him when he needed someone most, and as usual it was time for him to leave. We hardly keep in touch nowadays, except for the occasional email and smses. I am still hopeful that one day he will come back to me, so I let him be, but i think of him all the time.

So for the forth dream of V, which was just last night. I was in a bus leaving for somewhere and had this strong sense that I should get off the bus and go in search of V. I alighted and was crossing the road when V spotted me from the bus stop opposite. He ran towards me, gave me a hug and a kiss. His hand was around my shoulder and we were walking the streets. It is as if we were a couple. Then it happened....I turned around, it was a garden, there V was, in jeans and long sleeved shirt with his sleeves rolled up. He KNELT down, extended his hand and asked "Will you be mine". He didnt have a ring, but he had picked up a toy ring from the ground, It was huge, with four ruby lookalike stones held by a copper frame. I was elated, smiling from ear to ear, and feeling a little embarressed and suprised, I hugged him.

Will this ever happen? Well I am hoping it would. Well at least I have dream of it happening and the feeling was sure warm :P