What If

Sitting on my bed, I was pondering how to do it. The simplest way with no sweat. Many thoughts flashed by. Maybe a pin through my vien will do the job. When someone enters my room, i'll be seated on my bed still and cold. What will happen next I wondered, will they scream? cry? What will it be like? I agree I didnt have the guts to end it and neither do I have the zest to live it. Its just endless, the same bullshit over and over again. Ive lost my smile and my happiness. Then another thought, what if I do it on the day I was born? Sounds nice doesnt it? Its just 48 hrs away, not too long isnt it. Turning 35 in 2 days, hmmmm but I have nothing to look forward to, life has become mundane. Stress is what is causing it! Meeting my ex colleagues yesterday brought some smile to my face. Just like the good old times. I miss my fellow comrades. A couple of beers with my best buddy and two of his new colleagues from the PE department was a nice. Was introduced to his mates as his 'bro'. Dad reminds me that im not getting any younger, and that I need to find a partner. Told him I dont have the time nor the energy to look for one. Maybe Ive lost all interest. The phone rang for the longest time, "Ram" was calling, looked and ignored. An old school mate of mine calling for a meet. he is single he said and asked for my status. I didnt pick up, just didnt feel like it. Everyone was happy to see me yesterday. It was very warm and I miss this warmth in my new school. Most are nice, but the energy around seems very negative for now. Insomnia has set in, Im up at 2am writing this. Work is all I think of these days. Need a break, but Im lost. Well if I didnt have to go to australia, then I would had headed to US or even Nigeria, at least I know I'll be welcomed there. Good friends I have in these places. Funny how you meet someone on a matrimonial website and they become good friends. The past week Ive had dreams of V. Intense but strangely I dont remember details. I know he is hiding something from me. He wants me to let him be, havent I already done that a long time ago? COmpany is all Im asking, and he cant even grant that, wonder what goes in his head sometimes. Then a thought arised, how will he know if I die? Will he come and see me for the last time? Maybe not, why would he? Im noone to him anyway....